Impress these editors

On Wednesday 16, Blewt! Productions (Don’t Spit the Water, Talkin’ Funny) brings its eight-week comic-variety competition to ComedySportz for a fourth season. From a talent pool of 50, eight contestants were chosen; the futuristic talking simians—Captain Apehab, Barry Shirley and Bushmeat—will rate them in a different challenge each week. The jokester with the most points at the end receives the honor of least pitiful human and a cash prize of $200. We challenged each contestant to drive us apeshit with his or her best joke.

Chad Briggs, 34
Hometown Port Neches, Texas
Best joke “The health-care debate has taught us a valuable lesson: When faced with a complex problem, just draw a Hitler mustache on it and shout at it until it goes away.”
Our thought Timely. Thanks to Inglourious Basterds, Hitler is huge right now!
Score 8.59

Daniel J. Kibblesmith, 25
Hometown Oak Park, Illinois
Best joke “Hey, did you see that new documentary about dried fruit? It’s a pretty good date movie.”
Our thought Orange you glad he used a pun? We went bananas for this silly old-school joke.
Score 7.51

Michelle Renee Thompson, Over 21
Hometown Columbus, Ohio
Best joke “I aspire to follow in my mother’s footsteps by being a strong, intelligent, dynamic woman. Kind of like Condoleezza Rice, only black.”
Our thought Funny today, hilarious in ’06.
Score 6.89

Scott Whitehair, 33
Hometown Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Best joke “The Olympics coming to Chicago would give me the historic, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to charge someone $300 for sleeping on an air bed in my dining room.”
Our thought Amusing, but we could’ve thought of this. We’ll give it a bronze.
Score 5.09

Kelly Beeman, 30
Hometown Richmond, Virginia
Best joke “I lost my job at this gay and lesbian clinic for not bringing in enough customers for the new service they were offering. For some reason, gays and lesbians just aren’t having abortions.”
Our thought Funny ’cause it’s true.
Score 7.77

Christina Boucher (“BOW-cher”), 26
Hometown Danville, Virginia
Best joke “What’s the difference between Miley Cyrus and Dakota Fanning? A hymen—we hope! (Fingers crossed, America!)”
Our thought Edgy, controversial! We feel dirty just thinking about it.
Score 8.36

Chelsea Devantez, 23
Hometown Santa Fe, New Mexico
Best joke “MillerCoors’s new diet beer, MGD 64, has only 2.8 percent alcohol. This is great news for sorority girls, since they like their beer just how they like their men: It takes eight of them to get you tipsy, and they taste terrible going down.”
Our thought Sorority girls are a bit of an easy target (not that we haven’t taken a few shots ourselves).
Score 6.08

Thomas Whittington, 26
Hometown Charlotte, North Carolina
Best joke “Reforming health care is like having sex with my girlfriend: It’s purely political, extremely dry and guaranteed to disappoint both sides.”
Our thought Ouch! Make that “ex-girlfriend” now. Still, we’re laughing.
Score 7.62

Impress These Apes’ fourth season starts Wednesday 16.

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