And the Emmy goes to...

The 57th annual Primetime Emmy Awards are Sunday 18, and while we love the shimmer and shine of TV's top honors, we know much of the ceremony will be exasperating and disappointing. Our picks aren't going to jibe with Emmy voters'—in their eyes, everybody really does love Raymond, Will & Grace is still funny, Desperate Housewives is a comedy, Jennifer Garner can act, and UPN and the WB just don't exist. Someday, we'll overhaul the Emmy process. Until then, here's who we hope—but not necessarily who we think—will take home that elusive winged statuette.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Jeffrey Tambor, Arrested Development; Jeremy Piven, Entourage; Peter Boyle, Everybody Loves Raymond; Brad Garrett, Everybody Loves Raymond; Sean Hayes, Will & Grace
David Cross as Tobias on Arrested Development is the stand-out comedy performance of the year, and no one is a funnier grouch than John C. McGinley as Dr. Cox on Scrubs. How these performances failed to garner a nomination remains a mystery, but in their absence, we salute Piven's soulless jackass Ari. The ever-slimy agent is always a treat, and Piven hams it up to hilarious effect.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Jessica Walter, Arrested Development; Doris Roberts, Everybody Loves Raymond; Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men; Conchata Ferrell, Two and a Half Men; Megan Mullally, Will & Grace
Who says you have to be young and beautiful to succeed in Hollywood? The average age of these nominees is 63. Too bad that means teenagers Andrea Bowen and Alia Shawkat got shafted. Bowen is spot-on as the mature, zinger-filled Julie on Desperate Housewives, and Shawkat's deadpan delivery as the outrageous, manipulative Maeby on Arrested Development is always excellent. But if we have to pick a senior citizen (except Mullally, the youngster of the bunch at 47), Walter does "loopy alcoholic" with sparkling grace.

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
William Shatner, Boston Legal; Oliver Platt, Huff; Naveen Andrews, Lost; Terry O'Quinn, Lost; Alan Alda, The West Wing
O'Quinn doesn't play the sexiest guy on Lost, but he plays the shit out of the most intriguing. His steely, mysterious stare as the steely, mysterious Locke is tantalizing, and even as Locke spews gobbledygook approximately once per episode, O'Quinn keeps him in check. Andrews is fabulous as well, but it's O'Quinn's strong and often silent performance that deserves a win.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy; Blythe Danner, Huff; Tyne Daly, Judging Amy; CCH Pounder, The Shield; Stockard Channing, The West Wing
While we love Pounder's performance, it doesn't hold a candle to Paula Malcomson's Trixie on Deadwood. Malcomson is stunning as the fierce, deeply conflicted and often tragic Trixie, and not nominating her is acrime. Similarly overlooked is Carla Gallo, who made Libby the tittie dancer on Carnivale the most compelling character on TV's most bizarre show. But we love Pounder's performance as the maligned Claudette. She's the only decent cop on this dazzling squad of thieves, scoundrels, losers and assholes, and she was stuck in a self-righteous shitstorm this season for trying to stand up to the D.A. Pounder showed us the cracks in Claudette's foundation this season—when she's betrayed by her partner, variously ignored or stalled on a case, we see the scared but dedicated detective within the tough, brassy cop. Claudette's huffy confidence keeps The Shield's B-stories worthwhile.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development; Ray Romano, Everybody Loves Raymond; Tony Shalhoub, Monk; Zach Braff, Scrubs; Eric McCormack, Will & Grace
Bateman's insecure, exasperated Michael is the perfect dose of ordinary to offset everyone else's abject wackiness on Arrested, and the show would be adrift without Bateman's endearing performance. Playing to the balcony (Romano, McCormack), acting crazy (Shalhoub) and being cute (Braff) are all talents in their own right, but Bateman's performance is impressive because of how even and lucid Michael is, and how well he still manages to fit in with all the crazies. He's a conflicted son, a dedicated father, a worn-out brother, and wow is he funny.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives; Teri Hatcher, Desperate Housewives; Felicity Huffman. Desperate Housewives; Patricia Heaton, Everybody Loves Raymond; Jane Kaczmarek, Malcolm in the Middle
In what universe is Hatcher funnier and more deserving than Lauren Graham from Gilmore Girls? In crazy Emmyland, where delirium and groupthink are more important than talent. Hatcher's chirpy, mentally impaired Susan is painful to watch, and while Huffman is a golden goddess, Lynette isn't a funny character. At all. We're rooting for the immaculately done-up Cross, whose frigid Bree is always one mishap from explosion. Cross played Bree's neurotic death grip on fantasy in a weirdly believable way, especially considering the camp of the rest of the show. Man, we can't stop laughing—wait, no, we can. We love Desperate Housewives, but we've yet to see convincing evidence that it's a comedy.

Lead Actor in a Drama Series
James Spader, Boston Legal; Ian McShane, Deadwood; Hugh Laurie, House; Hank Azaria, Huff; Kiefer Sutherland, 24
Choosing between McShane and Laurie is like picking between caffeine and alcohol—we'd rather have a lot of both as often as possible. But McShane's range as the violent, unrestrained Swearengen is magnificent—in each eyebrow twitch, each variously intoned "cocksucker," each downed shot, each passed kidney stone we see a complex individual rather than just a giant, foul-mouthed cartoon character. McShane portrays a wretched, vile beast with startling magnetism and humanity. Anyone who can pull off lines like "Summon that cat-piss–smelling fuckhead" is someone special in our book. Any other year and we'd write Laurie's acceptance speech for him.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Jennifer Garner, Alias; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; Patricia Arquette, Medium; Glenn Close, The Shield; Frances Conroy, Six Feet Under
Close's abrasive Rawling knocked us on our ass this season. Is she a horrible racist bitch? A good captain working in a corrupt system? A dark, violent cop? Or a devoted, righteous activist? Well, kind of all of those, and anyone who can form an alliance with our favorite antihero Vic Mackey is a force to be reckoned with. The Shield can be pretty over the top: the violence, the slang, the story arcs and the crimes can all seem heartily fake, if still engaging. Close's performance as Rawling, though, was reserved and thoughtful, making her that much more interesting. As far as crime-fighting and awesomeness go, though, Kristen Bell as the titular Veronica Mars is as good as it gets.

Outstanding Comedy Series
Arrested Development, Desperate Housewives, Everybody Loves Raymond, Scrubs, Will & Grace
Arrested Development is brilliantly funny, but we're going with the always-a-bridesmaid Scrubs as our favorite comedy of the year because it stretched itself, its characters and its guest stars a little more than Arrested. Scrubs won us over with "My Life in Four Cameras," in which J.D. imagines his life as a traditional sitcom, replete with busty nurses and a live studio audience. Not only is the episode hilarious, but it also draws into sharp focus exactly what we love about Scrubs: how it's utterly refreshing. It's a doctor show, with wacky characters and occasional wiener jokes, but it never looks or sounds like another show. It employs a variety of storytelling techniques, some of the smartest jokes on network TV and an ensemble so fluid we're reluctant to spotlight any one actor. Scrubs is unfailingly, unconventionally funny. We hate to be a broken record on this, but we laugh more during an episode of Gilmore Girls than during a season of Desperate Housewives.

Outstanding Drama Series
Deadwood, Lost, Six Feet Under, 24, The West Wing
The West Wing hasn't been a decent drama in years—that nomination belongs to the fabulous Nip/Tuck, which doesn't deserve a win but does deserve a nod. Where's Veronica Mars? Where's Carnivale? Mars perfectly blends episodic drama with season-long mysteries, and we can't think of any show as thoroughly artful and confusing as Carnivale. Lost, baby, we love you a lot, but Deadwood is the best show on television. The acting, art direction and especially the writing elevate Deadwood to levels of excellence previously reserved for orgasms and paydays. Deadwood doesn't tease (Lost, 24), it doesn't disappoint (Six Feet Under) and it doesn't hang on for dear life (The West Wing). Instead, it images complex, fascinating characters in an environment that poses some remarkable challenges (egads, there are no laws and everyone is a whore) and some painfully ordinary ones (egads, I have a crush on a married man). Simply said, Deadwood is a masterpiece.