Ask Debby Herbenick - options for oral, Facebook ettiquette

Q My wife is post-menopausal and it is difficult for her to get lubricated if I attempt to stimulate her using my fingers. However, she gets extremely lubricated if I perform oral sex. She and I both enjoy oral sex very much—however, we would like to consider other methods of stimulation. We have used a lubricant in the past, but neither of us like that very much. Do you have suggestions that could give her the same satisfaction as oral sex?
A Bless your heart for trying so hard! As long as you both enjoy oral sex, why not keep at it? I understand you’d like variety, but certainly there are diverse ways to go about it. For example, you could lick her for 20 minutes using a “licking an ice-cream cone” technique. You might go down on her for five minutes and then transition to fingering. Or combine oral and fingering (that way even though fingering doesn’t do the lube trick on its own, you still have oral as a lubricating complement). Have you considered vibrator play? Some women find that applying external vibration, such as to the clitoris or vaginal lips, helps them to lubricate. You might also stop by Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd), the Pleasure Chest (3436 N Lincoln Ave) or another great sex boutique and purchase a lube sampler pack. It may be that you haven’t found a lube that you like yet but that there’s one out there. I like Just Like Me and Good Clean Love. It may also be that she can become lubricated by engaging in other things that highly arouse her. Some women become extremely wet when they go down on their male or female partner; others find that their vagina lubricates more when they watch porn, read erotic stories together or receive sensual massages.

Q Who invented the condom? What were early condoms like? What do you think is next? Sprays? Devices that identify disease?
A Nobody knows who invented the condom. Some literary texts suggest that ancient Egyptians put natural-fiber sheaths on their penis (I wasn’t around then, so cannot verify). There also appear to have been some “glans condoms” (barriers that covered only the head of a man’s penis) in China several hundred years ago. European texts from the past few hundred years are full of references to condom-like devices, likely made popular by deadly syphilis epidemics. Condom-like sheaths of olden days were made of linen, animal intestines, bladders or even leather. Since then, many advances have been made in condoms, including ways to mass-create them and make them more comfortable. If you ever stop by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, you may be able to see old-fashioned condoms in the “French tickler” style—they have add-ons (e.g., being shaped like animals). I know that some sprays are being tested as “invisible condoms,” and other groups have tested microbicides, which would be lube-like substances women could apply inside their vagina to protect them from infection. These haven’t come to fruition yet, though. I know of a few other condom improvements that are being tested, but they are top secret, so I suppose only time will tell what condom innovations are around the next bend.

Q When I started dating my girlfriend, she was a virgin and I was not. We have had sex a few times, but each time has been very painful for her. Consequently, she is too worried about the pain to want to have sex. She says that she does want to have sex, but the possibility of pain is keeping her from it. I do not want to push her, but is there anything I can do to mentally prepare her for getting through the painful part, so that we can begin enjoying sex?
A Yes, you can suggest she visit with her health-care provider and tell him or her that she has tried to have intercourse and that it has been very painful. Although it often hurts women when they have vaginal intercourse for the first time, it should not hurt so much that it’s not possible to continue each and every time. It’s fantastic that you’re not pushing her. There could be a variety of reasons why sex hurts. She may have hymen tissue that makes penetration difficult or impossible, or she may have a genital pain disorder. Then again, you could be unusually huge (are you?). If you do try again, it may help to use gobs of water-based lubricant both on your condom-covered penis and around the entrance to her vagina. It might also help to encourage her to try woman-on-top, so that she controls how much of your penis she takes in and also controls the pace (don’t thrust upward—let her do the work). Spending at least 15 or 20 minutes in hot-and-heavy foreplay of whatever variety she likes can also be helpful, as it will encourage her vagina to tent (which makes more space in there for you) and to lubricate naturally.

Q I’ve been dying to know this: Is it okay to ask your boyfriend to delete pictures of his ex from his Facebook page? I’ve been dating this guy for seven months now and he still has pictures of his ex up. The reason I didn’t ask him before was that we had only been dating for a few months, and he went out with his ex for four years. I’m not sure what to do, or even how to go about asking him. It’s starting to upset me and get in the way of even wanting to have sex with him, knowing that he keeps pictures of her up there.
A It’s okay to ask him for this—especially if it’s getting in the way of your sexual interest or other important aspects of your relationship. Some people strip their Facebook albums of photos with their ex immediately post-breakup. Others leave them up as part of their past. Now that you’re an established couple, it’s an okay thing to ask for. Try not to accuse him of still being in love with her. Instead, communicate gently how it makes you feel (less important, awkward, insecure, whatever the case is). He may not be able to take all the photos down, as he might just be tagged in some of them and he may not want to go around asking everyone to remove these photos. Personally, I think that’s an okay response, as it can be a pain for friends to have to go in and remove photos every time the people around them break up or get in fights or whatever else. If you want him to untag himself so that they don’t show up in his profile, it’s fair to ask, but he also gets to do whatever he wants. It’s always okay to ask for what you want in love or in sex, but you can’t control what another person does. If he decides to leave them up, then it’s your move and you can decide how to respond.

Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., is a research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.