Ask Debby Herbenick | Is labia size hereditary?

Q My sister and I—both in our twenties—believe our labia look similar and we wondered if labia size is hereditary. We asked our mother about the size of her labia, but she would not discuss it. Do women in the same family have similar-looking labia?
A I haven’t seen a good study on labia size and heritability. Anecdotally, some women say they’ve compared their labia with sisters and felt they were similar in size and shape, and at least one woman I know of, when caring for her older mom, said she caught a glimpse of her mom’s similarly sized labia. However, a number of things can change how women’s labia look and their size, including pregnancy and genital skin disorders. Learn more about labia in my upcoming book (so excited!), Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva (Rowman & Littlefield, $15.95)—available for pre-order now. There are vulva-themed arts and crafts projects involved. And real labia.

Q I’m 45, divorced two years, never was a great lay and it was never my preference anyway. While I’m very “normal/vanilla” in life, I’ve always had a major foot/oral fetish and lean slightly submissive. I’m not dating much because I’ve found most women want a normal guy and regular intercourse. I’m paranoid that most would reject me due to my desires and the idea of being outed makes me narrow the field even further. When do I talk about this with a potential girlfriend? How many women truly enjoy oral versus penetration and how do you meet them? I don’t want more kids, so what’s wrong with a sexual relationship that doesn’t revolve around intercourse?
A Many women enjoy receiving oral sex—and certainly some are happy, or at least not concerned, about skipping vaginal intercourse. However, most women who enjoy oral and who are attracted to men also seem to like/want vaginal intercourse. Not all, but most. Which means that if you’re not open to vaginal intercourse, and want to practice only your sexual likes, this could get tricky. Partner sex involves sharing. If you want to be in a long-term sexual relationship with a woman, you need to do your best to incorporate her sexual likes. Would it be so terrible to do oral, foot play and intercourse? And to do each act sometimes but not every time? People who say they have “fetishes” (pick your fetish: panties, high heels, smoking, trash, etc.) don’t seem to have too much trouble sustaining relationships as long as they don’t let the fetish rule their lives and annoy their partner. If all you want is sex, you could conceivably be satisfied by hiring a dominatrix and/or going to sex clubs that cater to body worship/cunnilingus and foot-fetish interests. You might also check out FetLife.com, a self-described community for kinksters, to feel comfortable being open about your interests with new friends or potential partners. If you want a full-fledged relationship with a fetish-accepting woman, you’ll benefit from confidently communicating your interests (perhaps when you feel it is getting serious and/or transitioning into a sexual relationship). Try to be compassionate if she has questions or concerns; that’s natural. And don’t discount women who, like you, seem vanilla on the surface, as there’s no way to tell who’s kinky in private, just waiting to be asked.

Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., is a research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.