Sex questions - companionate love and Justin Bieber

Q  Sometimes my boyfriend creeps me out by asking if I think Justin Bieber and other young male celebrities are hot. We’re in our thirties and while Justin is cute, he’s not hot. He’s a boy, not a man, you know? It wouldn’t bother me except he gets persistent about it and I think wants to dirty talk/fantasize about me seducing teenaged guys. When I put the ball in his court and ask him about teen girl celebs, he’s all, “Of course I think they’re hot,” which grosses me out even more. He doesn’t see anything wrong with these thoughts. Is this normal?
A  Both of you sound like totally normal people with understandable fantasies (his) and concerns (yours). First, it’s not like he’s talking about sex with children, right? He’s only talking about 16- and 17-year-olds, who can and do legally consent to sex with adults in many states. And he’s not trying to make you do anything sexual that you don’t want to do, right? Then, what’s the harm in him finding a young celebrity hot, particularly as most teenaged celebrities are made to look hot and mature beyond their years (think: Miley Cyrus). In the U.S., the average age for first intercourse is 16.5 for guys and around 17 for young women. Its not like individuals that age aren’t sexual beings. We just tend to draw this weird line at 18 in the U.S., which enhances some people’s fantasies of teenagers (like your BF) and makes other people, like you, feel more guarded and concerned. As long as your boyfriend is keeping his teen dreams in his fantasy world (and not pushing teenaged dirty talk on you if you’re not into it), then what’s the harm?

Q  I am a 36-year-old unmarried woman. I seem to have a recurring issue in long-term relationships. After the first few years, I lose sexual attraction for my boyfriend(s). I have been in love and still...it just fades, to the point where I almost cringe when touched. Does anyone else have this issue? This definitely has contributed to why I am still single; the thought of sex with the same person for the rest of my life seems totally unrealistic for me. Generally when this happens, I end the relationship and move on. Any advice would be great!
A  Tons of people have this issue. It is extremely common to go from what some love/sex researchers call “passionate love” to “companionate love” (from lust to committed friendship with some degree of romantic love). Ugh, I know. It kinds of sucks, doesn’t it? Especially if you believe that all committed relationships must be completely monogamous. Oh, wait! But that doesn’t have to happen, now, does it? See, here’s the thing: You get to choose whatever you want. You can be a female George Clooney who doesn’t get married, but who has long-term relationship after long-term relationship. Gloria Steinem did serial monogamy for decades (though she did marry later in life), so it’s not just a guy thing. You might be able to find a partner who feels similarly and is willing to find a middle ground that works for both of you. What if you both agreed that you could occasionally be sexual with others? Or fly to a distant city once or twice a year and have threesomes at swinger-type parties? There are so many ways to create the relationship that works for you. You might also find it helpful to look beyond the lusty feelings and redirect your love into a different kind of relationship than you’ve had in the past. For example, many couples find that if they stick through the phase in which they have zero attraction for their partner, eventually they come out the other side and fall back in love (lust included). As a sex researcher and columnist, I hear these stories quite often and I’ve been in the same boat myself. One book that might help you figure out that kind of love—whether the sex part of your relationship is monogamous or open—is Love That Works by Wendy Strgar, one of my new favorite books.

Q  Is it possible to have common warts appear on the genitalia or do warts that appear there automatically get classified as genital warts?
A  A dermatologist I spoke with said that, while it is theoretically possible to have common warts appear on the genitals, it’s rare and most warts on the genitals are genital warts (caused by the strains of HPV that “prefer” genital skin). I have to wonder why you’re so curious, though. If you’ve noticed a bump on your genitals and have questions about it, check in with a health-care provider. And if a health-care provider has told you that you have genital warts, but you’re secretly hoping that they’re “common” warts instead, what difference would it make to you? Neither one is likely to cause you any harm. Or perhaps you’re asking because your partner has genital warts and is trying to pass them off to you as non-genital warts that just happen to be on his or her genitals. If you’ve already been having sex together, then you may have already been exposed to his or her strain of HPV. If not, you could ask your health-care provider about getting vaccinated against HPV (Gardasil protects against strains of HPV that cause most cases of genital warts). 

Q  I am 25 years old; my flaccid penis size is four inches and my erect size is almost seven inches on a good day. My close friends have me beat in both flaccid and erect sizes (or so they say). The women I have been with say they have been satisfied, but something inside me is reluctant to believe so. Am I doing okay, size wise, and is it normal to have feelings of sexual inadequacy?
A  You’re bigger than most guys in terms of both flaccid and erect length! It sounds like the friends you hang with are either unusually hung or exaggerating. The average erect penis size in most studies is 5.1 to 5.8 inches. Frankly, at close to seven inches some days, you’re bordering on too large for some women, who may find seven inches to be uncomfortable. (Though, with enough foreplay, sexual excitement and lubricant, this can be improved.) If I were you, I would give a lot more weight to your partner’s expressions of satisfaction than your friends’ claims. Plus, focusing on intimacy, arousal and connection is way, way, way more important than penis size. If you were two or three inches erect, I’d tell you the truth: That most women and men would probably want more, but even smaller guys can be incredible lovers if they work on other areas. Finally, yes—it is normal to have feelings of sexual inadequacy, especially at 25. Fortunately, you have years ahead of you to realize that your body rocks and your penis is amazing. Pleasuring a partner can be a good way to learn that you’re doing all right.

Dr. Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., M.P.H., is a research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.