In & Out

Q In your response to the 63-year-old widower in TOC 126, I think you completely summed up his problem (“It sounds like you’re looking for a mouth or a vagina, not a woman”) but I don’t understand why you snapped at the poor old horndog. It sounded to me like his blunt honesty—“I am in need of some sexual intercourse and oral sex”—was offensive to you (“My advice? Try to get to know women for who they are, not for their hairstyle or ability to get you off.”). Why not send him off to get some relief from a sex worker? I’m pretty sure, having read all your columns, that you would have suggested that had his letter come in last year or so. So what’s up with that? Has there been some sea change in your view of the classic male imperative? Is there some unstated, new and taboo meta-issue here (like editorial policy, heightened law enforcement, cultural politics, zeitgeist) that I’m not getting? I want to be honest about my emotional stake in this. I identify with the widower, having felt similarly years ago when my marriage ended. Like him, I can get women to go on dates. My thing is, I don’t like the feeling of pursuing a woman as (in your words) “just an outlet for sex.” I agree with you about trying to get to know women, but it’s a fact of male biology that we get into these “must have sex this second” (as you put it) mind-sets. To your credit, you didn’t counsel the old gent to spend his golden years masturbating. I don’t pursue women just to get sucked and fucked. But I can make this healthy and humane choice only because I see a sex professional regularly. When I find the right woman, I’ll end things with my provider, wait and get tested, and then pursue meaningful sex with someone who I feel a mutual connection with. Until then I’m going to maintain my sexual and emotional well being in a way that makes sense to me.

A I agree that, though not legal, a sex worker is certainly an option. There has been no editorial crackdown or other sea change. Rather, it seemed to me that the widower was looking for women to both date and have sex with, but was going about it in such a sex-focused way that it wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t having any luck. If his goal is both dating and sex, then a sex worker doesn’t get him very far. (If I’m wrong and he mostly needs sex, but dating would be “nice,” then a sex worker could work quite well.) The thing is, many men and women experience “must have sex now” feelings. Many of us have experienced the difficulty of getting through a weekend of cleaning the house, running errands and catching up on work without desperately needing—and yes, I mean feeling like it’s an absolute need—to stop everything and get out the lube and/or vibrator, or find your partner and pull him or her into the bedroom. I totally get that mind-set. I would also argue that sex is a major motivator for many people in the dating pool—and why some couples who pledge abstinence until marriage get hitched within weeks or months of meeting. Sure, people might date, hoping to find someone for great conversation and strolls on the beach, but many would be lying if they said it wasn’t also important to make out with, go down on or otherwise get off with that person. Sex and sexual attraction are major reasons that I think people—especially straight people—“date.” Though not all gay men cruise and not all men who cruise identify as gay (still talking to you, Sen. Craig), men who cruise for anonymous sex with other men are perhaps more honest about what they want—a blow job or fuck rather than a two-hour dinner where you try to be interested in each other’s stories until you can go back to one of your places and feel okay about having sex because you can classify it as a “date.” That level of honesty—saying you want sex just for the sake of sex—is harder for many straight couples. I think if the widower wants both dates and sex (or a friends-with-benefits situation), he probably needs to get to know women. If he wants and can afford a sex worker in the meantime or instead, then that’s his prerogative.

Q I’d like to surprise my girlfriend and would like to shave down below, but have no idea how to shave the penis and scrotum. Most of the websites I looked at are aimed at women or talk about having your girlfriend use a straight razor. The thought of using a straight razor on myself is scary. Will products such as Nair work, or is this area too sensitive on a guy?

A So you want to manscape one out of three in the classic “back, sack and crack” package. First, make sure you have reason to believe that your girlfriend is into you having hairless nether regions or things could get awkward. Some women prefer men with hair down there and others like the look of a hairless dude but might not like the way intercourse feels without the pube cushion or how the stubble feels as it grows back in. Ouch. Fortunately, hair sometimes grows in softer after waxing (The Waxing Room offers the manzilian wax for $45; 3115 N Halsted St, 773-868-9299). Men, like women, can use hair-removal creams. Do a patch test of the product on a small area of your skin to make sure that you are not allergic, or face the mighty uncomfortable consquences. Another option is a very close but neat trim that you can do with scissors while sober (being drunk or high and having scissors near your penis is never a good idea).

Q In a recent column (“In & Out,” TOC 132), a woman wrote to you asking for tips to get her boyfriend off with a hand job or blow job. You suggested that she get him to show her how he masturbates if she wants to learn what sort of a hand job will work for him, and you said that maybe they could even masturbate together. As a man who would like to increase my pleasure with my long-term girlfriend, how do you think I can get her to try this with me? Sex is not a subject that comes easy to her, and masturbation is very hard for her to talk about. Any chance you think this will work out for a couple like us?

A First, consider your motivation. Some women have felt pressured to touch or vibrate themselves in front of a guy. Other times, women just don’t understand why a guy wants to watch her do something that may feel private and personal to her. If you just want to re-create your favorite female masturbatory porn scene, and you think that would make your girlfriend uncomfortable, consider skipping the joint masturbation session for now. If, however, you think that masturbating in front of or with each other would help you to learn more about each other’s bodies or open up more sexually with one another, then try a book like For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy (Signet, $7.99). It encourages mutual exploration and communication in a relationship-centered way that is gentle enough for many individuals or couples who find it challenging to talk about sex, pleasure or masturbation.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.