Pleasure cruise

Steamworks (3246 N Halsted St, 773-929-6080, steamworksonline.com)
This Boystown gym-sauna-bathhouse is spotless and seemingly straitlaced—it’s the sweaty guys working out (or working you out) that make the difference.

Man’s Country (5017 N Clark St, 773-878-2069, manscountrychicago.com)
This club and bathhouse boasts men of all sizes, ages and colors, plus nude strip shows to whet the appetite. Private rooms vary from basic ones with cots, condoms and lube to more elaborate, S&M-themed suites.

Bally Total Fitness (2828 N Clark St, 773-929-6900)
The gym itself is pretty cruisy, but the sauna is really where it’s at—except during peak hours, when security guards tend to be more vigilant.

Caribou Coffee (3300 N Broadway, 773-477-3695)
Dubbed the “Cruisabou,” it attracts young, emo cruisers—and older men who set up laptops and watch (“I don’t even think their computers are on,” one man says).

Kopi Café (5317 N Clark St, 773-989-5674)
Lesbians need places to hang out, too. And to connect. And maybe make arrangements to do stuff later on.

Berlin (954 W Belmont Ave, 773-348-4975)
Head to the bathrooms: Plenty of guys could share blow-job stories that went down in these stalls. On the dance floor, prepare to grab and be grabbed.

Osterman Beach (a.k.a. Hollywood Beach, 5800 N Lake Shore Dr)
Some go here for “gay games,” our source says. “Especially that bathroom…. Urine, sand and lake water—ugh. But also lots of foot tapping.”

Lucky Horse Shoe Lounge (3169 N Halsted St, 773-404-3169)
This dimly lit place is chock-full of twinky strippers who get extra close for in-your-face lap dances.

Bijou Theater (1349 N Wells St, 312-943-5397)
Live shows, lap dances and glory holes are featured here, along with closets so hot—and far dirtier than your schoolkid “closet” games—that men who’ve been out for years fight to get back in.

Whole Foods (3640 N Halsted St, 773-472-0400)
Peaches aren’t the only squeezable fruit at this new Whole Foods, and the exorbitant produce prices don’t seem so steep when they come with a wink, smile and exchange of cell-phone numbers.