Ask Debby Herbenick | Vibrators that break and both types of herpes

Q I am a gay man in my twenties. Like many other gay men, I have had straight girlfriends my entire life. Most of them just want to shop, talk about their boyfriends, fashion-police other girls or hang out with a guy who isn’t trying to get into their pants. That’s all fine. I can play along with their gay stereotypes because otherwise they are good friends and it’s all in good fun. Problem is, one girl that I have been friends with for a very long time now wants to get into my pants. It’s not one of those “I can convert you” situations. She totally gets that I am gay and like men. The thing is that she recently read a book that talked about how everyone is really bisexual, and she says she finds me attractive, which makes her want to encourage me to explore with women (or at least with her). She has been with both men and women and now she wants me to branch out. I don’t want to explore any women (no offense). Over the weekend I could have sworn that she was trying to get me drunk so we might hook up. She has pulled me closer a few times by my waistband or belt. How can I get her to dial it down and be my friend again, so I don’t have to fear that she’s going to slip me a roofie next time we’re out? Help!

A Has she been Netflixing The Next Best Thing and The Object of My Affection? Poor thing. I’m sorry to hear that you’re at the point where you’re afraid to leave your drink unsupervised when you go to the bathroom. Sometimes women exhibit sexually aggressive behavior (and yes, this qualifies as “aggressive” and not “assertive”) that would be absolutely unacceptable if a man were to try it, and all in the name of exploration. Not all women do, but it’s worth noting. When sober, you may find that you need to lay down the law in no uncertain terms. As far as she’s concerned, your pants, waistband and penis are no-fly zones. You need her to respect your boundaries even if she does not agree with them. If she cannot stop pursuing you, you may need to let her know that you will have to stop hanging out with her. No more fashion-police games. No more checking out guys together. No more renting Hairspray or whatever other gay stereotypes you say you are happy to oblige her. All bets are off if she cannot treat you the way that you want to be treated and see beyond whatever she’s read in a book (e.g., “everyone in the world is bisexual!”) and into the real you who, quite clearly, does not want to explore (a) women or (b) her.

Q I have always appreciated your smart and tactful approach to promoting safe sex. That is why your response to the concerned man with herpes (“In & Out,” TOC 153) seemed insufficient. I understand that many people have herpes (although one in four is still fewer than half and doesn’t really qualify as “most people”). However, it seems unfair that this man had sexual contact with his lady friend without informing her of his condition. I’m sure the French kissing and oral sex (on him) were wonderful, but she may have chosen not to engage in those acts had she known it would land her with an incurable condition. Certainly this lady friend took a risk in hooking up with someone she didn’t know, and she has to take responsibility for that; it would just be nice (and might possibly help stem the spread of STIs) if people were more up-front about their sexual health before engaging with unwitting partners.

A I couldn’t agree more about open communication, and you are right that people should disclose information about their health to a partner. That said, the type of herpes that this man has is not a sexually transmissible infection (STI)—it is herpes simplex virus 1 (HSV1), which tends to prefer the mouth/lip area (but can be passed from mouth to genitals when oral sex is performed, which would then probably drop it into the STI category). HSV1 is commonly passed in nonsexual ways—for example, to children by their parents or other relatives who kiss them hello or good-bye. It can be passed by kissing as teenagers or adults, too. We normally just call this form of herpes “cold sores.” The “most people” comment I made refers to those with HSV1; as many as 60 to 80 percent of people are thought to have HSV1 (the one in four or five figure is for HSV2, which is genital herpes). Even so, those who have ever had cold sores—which is most of the adult population—probably should tell people whom they kiss or perform oral sex on (many people, however, don’t know that they used to get cold sores as kids—outbreaks tend to become more rare with age, and thus many people don’t even know that they may carry the virus). In the reader’s case that you mentioned, he very well may have transmitted HSV1 (cold sores) through kissing his lady friend. And that’s not cool. I certainly would want to know if I stood a chance of contracting a cold sore from someone, but when you think of all the people you have kissed—and that 60 to 80 percent of them have histories of cold sores—how many have ever told you about their history? Or let me ask you this: Have you ever asked your parents or other caregivers if you had cold sores as a child? Just because you don’t get them now doesn’t mean that you didn’t then, or that you can’t pass on HSV1 as an adult. To learn more about herpes (oral and genital) visit cdc.gov and please, people, do be honest and forthcoming with each other.

Q Why do vibrators never last? I don’t do anything out of the ordinary to my toys, but they always seem to break after a few months. Some even break after a few weeks.

A Sex toys are like flip-flops. Your basic brands will run around $15 or $20, though you can find either flip-flops or vibrators on the high end, in the $100 range. They will look cute and you’ll get a fair amount of mileage out of them. And then one day, perhaps even when it is least convenient, they will break on you. C’est la vie. They were good for the season and then you throw them out and buy new ones. If you get a few dozen good orgasms out of a vibrator, was it not worth it? What is that, less than $1 per orgasm? All that aside, I do empathize. It sucks when vibrators break. You can keep your toy around longer if you take the batteries out when you store it and be careful not to run it under water or otherwise get it wet (unless it’s waterproof). Consider saving cash by buying an inexpensive silver bullet from Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd, 866-585-2BED)—at $9, if it breaks, you can always get another. Or go the other direction and buy a more sturdy (but more expensive, at $45) Hitachi Magic Wand, which is built to last, from Tulip (1480 W Berwyn Ave, 773-275-6110; 3448 N Halsted St, 773-975-1515; mytulip.com). Finally, if money is really tight, learn to masturbate with your hand; read Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15) for tips.