Ask Debby Herbenick | Is there any way to get better at giving women orgasms?

Q I can’t take it anymore. I have had sex with five different women and none of them have ever been able to have an orgasm with me. Two of them didn’t have orgasms at all; they were drunk bar hookups, and it was over and done really fast. The other three were girlfriends: One never came with me and the other two could come from oral, but that’s it—not from sex. Could my penis be the problem? It’s slightly shy of 6 inches long when hard. Is there any way to get better at giving women orgasms during sex? I’m dating someone new and hope to have sex and give her an orgasm soon.
A Well, aren’t you the wonderful giver? It’s great that you’re hoping to facilitate orgasm with your new lady friend and, if that’s something she wants too, then I wish her and you the best of luck. But let’s backtrack for a moment, shall we? In short (no pun intended), your penis is actually slightly larger than average in terms of erect length. Many men your size (and shorter) have found that women they have sex with can orgasm from intercourse. That’s because orgasms are often triggered by clitoral stimulation such as what occurs in positions such as the coital alignment technique position (a modified version of missionary, in which the man pushes his body farther up his partner’s, so that his shoulders are closer to her ears; this allows greater friction between his pelvic bone and her clitoris; Google for diagrams) or by stimulation of the front wall of the vagina (a.k.a. the G-spot). You don’t need a pole to stimulate the close part of the hole, as the famous poem goes (oh, wait, it’s not famous? That’s right—I just made it up) nor does one need big bits to stimulate the clit (if it’s any consolation, the rhyming is starting to irritate me, too). But you know what I mean—size isn’t as big of an issue as it may seem. Remember, though, that not all women orgasm during intercourse. Those women who do orgasm during intercourse may find it difficult, if not impossible, to do so from casual sex (e.g., the drunk hookups that constitute two of your five sex partners). Women often find it easier to orgasm during sex with a familiar, ongoing partner. Which means you’ve got a shot! You’re dating someone new, you’re getting to know each other, so what next? First, try not to make it the No. 1 goal of your encounter. Women generally appreciate and feel aroused when they feel desired, wanted and special—rather than feeling as though their performance somehow validates you as a man or as a sex partner. Take time to explore each other’s bodies, find out what feels good for each other, and spend lots and lots of time in foreplay doing things that she enjoys (not just that you like or have read about or had a past partner who liked). Try to focus more on enjoyment and less on performance goals (like orgasm), and over time it may work out. Books such as For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy (Signet, $8) can be helpful, too.

Q I’m an 18-year-old girl and I’m dating a guy my age. Last weekend, he fingered me; it sort of hurt, but it also felt really good. I’ve been fingered before—just not by him. Afterward, I had a little bit of spotting and over the next 24 hours I had massive amounts of discharge. My question is twofold: (1) Do you think the discomfort I had will discontinue after we do this more often (he has pretty large hands!) and (2) I’m a virgin; do you think the spotting and discharge was a result of him breaking my hymen?
A Have you had a gynecological exam in the past year or since becoming sexually active (and yes, this counts)? Women should start getting annual gyn exams either when they turn 18 or when they become sexually active, so get thee to a gyn if you haven’t already. Your mom or a friend may be able to recommend a gynecologist, or find your own through Planned Parenthood or the Chicago Women’s Health Center (3435 N Sheffield Ave, suite 206A, 773-935-6126). See a gyn sooner rather than later if you reexperience “massive amounts of discharge.” There is no reason fingering should produce copious amounts of fluids over a 24-hour post-play period. If it was blood rather than discharge, one might chalk it up to the hymen tearing; however, such bleeding usually stops quickly, rather than going for 24 hours. Daylong discharge combined with painful fingering makes me wonder whether your guy’s ginormous man hands went a little too far up (like around your cervix) and irritated it, or even dislodged some cervical mucus. Or maybe it’s all just coincidental and you would have experienced this discharge anyway (vaginal discharge can fluctuate considerably over a woman’s menstrual cycle). Long story short: Uncomfortable fingering is not necessary; go slowly, indulge in long foreplay before penetration and start with one finger first (and closer to the front of the vagina, rather than far up the vagina). If it continues to hurt, please check in with your health-care provider.

Q My girlfriend takes an enormously long time to achieve her orgasm, sometimes 90 minutes or two hours of heavy thrusting. Is this normal? How can I get her down to a few minutes? I tried putting lidocaine spray (a numbing agent) on my penis to keep a continuous erection—is that safe?
A Women vary in terms of how long they take to orgasm and though some can come in 10, 20 or 30 minutes (and even fewer can come in less than 5 minutes), it is true that other women are in it for the long haul. As in, you could watch the entirety of Gone With the Wind, and just as she’s approaching orgasm you may be wondering whether you really do, in fact, give a damn. That’s understandable—it’s a lot of pressure on a guy to keep thrusting for two hours. That said, I’d encourage you to give up the lidocaine. It is really not meant for regular use on a man’s penis and, if you’re not using condoms, then it is likely getting inside your girlfriend’s vagina. Does she even know that you’re using lidocaine on your penis? If you are determined to keep using lidocaine, please check in with your health-care provider and ask her to check in with hers. Densensitizing condoms (intended to help men delay ejaculation) may use lidocaine or benzocaine inside the condom, but in these cases, the condom serves as a barrier so that it doesn’t get inside women’s vaginas or men’s anuses. Have you thought, too, that the lidocaine may be decreasing sensation in her vagina or on her clitoris, making it even more difficult for her to orgasm? There are many ways to speed orgasm, including using a couple’s vibrating toy (I like the We-Vibe, $130 at Babeland.com, and the Crystal Ring, $25 at Early to Bed, 5232 N Sheridan Road, 866-585-2BED), spending more time in foreplay before starting intercourse, or using dirty talk or fantasy play to get things going (this requires communication to find out, ahead of time, what arouses her). If your girlfriend is interested in orgasming more quickly, she might like Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15)—but remember: Quicker is not always better, and you may find alternate ways to extend play and allow her time to build up, without requiring a marathon thrusting session.