Ask Debby Herbenick | Female ejaculation and pubic hair grooming preferences

Q I’ve learned that sex is not only about receiving, but giving as well. I have really grown to enjoy oral sex with women. But I’m very choosey about whose vaginal lips I fondle with my tongue. I would say that some women practice better hygiene than others. For me, no pubic hair or just a little landing strip is a good way to start. Long, bushy pubic hair is a turnoff. Why is that? I would say that a shaved region allows me to fully view the sweet lips. What do you think?
A I’m always curious what people mean when they say they are “choosey” about whose vulva or penis they perform oral sex on. For starters, when does this judgment occur? Are you making this decision before clothes come off, based on something the person says or does? And how many people wait until they’ve had a chance to see the other person’s genitals before deciding yay or nay? It just seems—especially with women—that type of judgment would be difficult to make, since our genitals are more hidden than men’s. Do some people actually spread a woman’s legs, take a careful look and then decide to proceed or retreat? That said, I would agree that some people take better care of their genitals than others. Women’s genitals, for example, need not be washed with soap (which can irritate vulvovaginal tissues), but they should be washed regularly with water in the shower or bath. Men’s genitals can be cleaned with soap with less risk of irritation. Grooming, however, is such a personal choice. One survey suggested that men and women mostly preferred a trimmed look on their partners, but individuals vary. You seem to have a less-is-more preference. People used to, more often, dig bushy pubic hair, but now we rarely see it in porn or in R movies. In porn, we more often see bald or highly groomed vulvas. As for your particular “why”—does it really matter? My advice is to get comfortable and enjoy the ride. If you’re with a partner long enough or have enough affection between the two of you, pubic-hair styles are often up for negotiation, anyway.

Q I just read an article warning that bad eating habits during the recession could make people fat (cheap junk food, etc.). There’s another “danger” you might warn your readers about—unplanned pregnancies! Unemployed people spend more time at home, and eventually they tire of watching TV (The View—ugh!) and reading. The alternative: a roll in the hay, and they might not have the resources to take the precautions they usually do. Should we look for a baby boom in 2010?
A Very possible. Then again, with the anxieties of the current economic chaos, some people may feel more depressed and less interested in sex. But “less” doesn’t mean “no” interest and, of course, people will continue to have sex throughout 2009. Some may even have more sex now that our President and First Lady are, let’s face it, hot and probably a part of some Americans’ sexual fantasies. In all seriousness, though, difficult economic times do require different strategies for contraception. If you’re worried about losing your job and insurance, consider stocking up on birth-control pills and health-care visits ahead of time. Those who have already lost their jobs or insurance might ask their docs whether he or she has any free samples lying around the office, or they could ask Planned Parenthood about reduced rates on care or contraception. If a couple truly has no money for contraceptives and chooses to go without, they can at least try the withdrawal method and learn about natural family-planning methods (plannedparenthood.org) that help you figure out the days on which a woman is least likely to become pregnant. And for those who do want to become pregnant, talk to your health-care provider and your friends/family about how to make it work—find out about everything from health-care costs to what type of support (e.g., hand-me-down clothes, baby-sitting) you can count on from family and friends.

Q I’ve always liked giving blow jobs, but I’m having trouble liking them with my new boyfriend. He wants me to get down on my knees every single time we do it. The first few times it was hot, but now it’s annoying. Sometimes I’d rather 69 or turn around and suck his dick while he fingers me, or maybe here and there it’s more comfortable for me to do it from the bed rather than the floor. I have no reason to believe it’s a subservient thing or a power trip; I feel totally equal in our relationship and he’s said he just likes how it looks and feels that way. Still, it’s started to bore and unarouse me. Help!
A Sometimes there’s a fine line between spicing up and flatlining a sexual relationship, and your new boyfriend is teetering on the edge. People: If you find something that you really like during sex, talk to your partner about doing That Thing every now and then—but please consider not doing it every single time. One of my favorite meals uses truffles, white wine and sage, but if I ate it every day (and believe me, I have fantasized), I would get sick of it, plus the friends I cook for would grow bored and stop coming over. Why do that to myself? Variety is the spice of life, not just because of the awesome things (the truffles or kneeling) but because the awesome things stand out in a sea of otherwise just “good” things (like a blow job from a lying position or, in my case, salads and yogurt). Since you started out liking the kneeling position, try letting him know that you like it, but you’re most aroused when you do it only occasionally. Ask to consider ways—together—to focus on enjoyment, pleasure and variety, and suggest some things (like 69 or fingering) that would totally knock your socks off.

Q Going down on a woman really turns me on, and I recently had a profound experience. I had this girl so orgasmic that she squirted her juices on my face. I have heard of women “cumming” but never believed it could be this type of release. Wow. Do some women get wetter than others?
A Yes, some women get wetter than others, but we don’t know why. There is little research on female ejaculation (it’s not a funding priority for the government or major health groups), and so it’s unclear what to make of it. Even chemical analyses have been conflicting, so in part we’re not entirely sure what these fluids consist of. Some women try teaching themselves to ejaculate, which is usually not recommended since the effort to do so can result in women bearing down hard on their pelvic-floor muscles, thus potentially weakening them. Some women notice this as part of their natural sexual response. Though sometimes they’re freaked out by it, or dislike the wetness, other times women and their partners look forward to and feel excited and aroused by it. Glad to hear your “wow!” You can read more about this phenomenon in The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality (Holt, $16).