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Four bad dates
The singles scene can be a real jungle. Learn to identify the most common species of wily wooers by deciphering what their look says about them.
GENUS WILD NORTHERN MALL RAT
Mission To hook up with some hot dudes “downtown” (translation from Suburbanese: anywhere east of Harlem)
Habitat The Hangge Uppe, Bootleggers or any other Division Street skank bank
Cowboy hat “I dare you to try your best ‘riding,’ ‘mounting’ and ‘bareback’ lines on me—I’ll slap you silly. Unless you’re hot—in that case, here’s my number.”
Exposed midriff “Ask me about body-shot opportunities. Group discounts apply.”
Fake tan “Doesn’t my orange hue take you straight back to your greatest Daytona spring-break romps? Let’s relive the Señor Frog’s magic.”
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