Ask Debby Herbenick | Sexual compatibility and the facts about anal sex

Q I run with an outwardly conservative crowd, and it is difficult to talk in any detailed way about sex. This is true in particular about less-talked-about types of sex. My hope lies in you, then! My husband and I have been married for a year. He and I are both in our forties, second marriage for each. We have a passionate sex life and enjoy getting to know each other’s bodies. Of late, I’ve been wanting to try anal sex. I asked him if he’d be up for it, and he said he would. We agreed that before we did it, we wanted to learn more to make it enjoyable/comfortable. If I had younger or more open friends, I would ask them for the goods.
A At least you’re wise enough to see that outwardly conservative does not always mean privately conservative. About 25 percent of heterosexual-identified women and men have tried anal sex at least once, so while it may be a taboo topic for discussion in many circles, it’s certainly not an unheard of practice in the bedroom. You’re also smart to consider how to approach anal sex with care (and lube in hand, I presume?). Either silicone- or water-based lubricant would be suitable, as both may enhance the experience; use whichever you feel most comfortable with, and make sure to use a good deal of it, as the anus does not lubricate itself. If your husband’s prone to urinary-tract infections or just wants to be on the safe side, he might wear a condom. Certainly if you’re switching from that to vaginal sex, he should swap to a fresh condom and/or wash his penis, so as not to transfer bacteria. The biggest issues with anal sex, though, tend to be around relaxation, which can take time and practice to develop. The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (Cleis Press, $16.95) and Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women (Down There Press, $18) may be useful sources of info. Also consider an upcoming workshop at the beautiful, woman-friendly boutique Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-1219, early2bed.com), called “Bottoms Up! Butt Sex for the Masses”—it’s happening April 7 at 7:30pm.

Q My girlfriend and I have been dating about eight months, and the sex has been orgasmic. We’ve tried and enjoyed things I’ve never tried with past partners. Now that we have been together for a while, the crazy-sex times are a little more sparse. We still do the deed regularly, but maybe not in the car or on my balcony as much! I want to have great sex with her for the rest of my life, and she feels the same way about me, so I want to be proactive here! What can I do—in the bedroom and out—to ensure we stay interested in each other? Any unique suggestions or books you highly recommend?
A Sometimes I worry that I’m overly impressed by men who express long-term hopes for their relationships as well as excitement and enthusiasm about their sex lives. But then I remember that behind some men’s “Who cares about love? I just want sex” exteriors, most men—like most women—do want someone to count on long-term. My take on good sex for the long run is that it’s less about technique and more about attention. I believe that if a couple pay close attention to each other, then they have good odds at having a satisfying sex life over the long term. What we know from research is that all the “be in the present moment” stuff you hear in yoga class matters to sex lives, too. People who stay in the moment and allow themselves to get lost in the touches, sights and sounds of sex may be blown away by the sensuality of it—and that can put sex way over the top in terms of quality. Taking care to learn to communicate is helpful not only in letting each other know what you like and don’t like about sex, but also in being sensitive to each other. When people are mean or condescending to each other, they ultimately feel disrespected, may avoid intimacy and then shy away from letting themselves be vulnerable to each other (which, I think, is a major aspect of pleasurable sex). A good book for long-term pleasure is For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy (Signet, $7.99); one for fun is The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (Cleis Press, $24.95).

Q Several years ago, a girl got hired at my work and we hit it off. Within the first month of us hanging out, we were in the closest friendship that either of us had ever had. It wasn’t long before we started dating, and we had a strong physical relationship. After three years, the physical relationship pretty much went away. This happened, I think, because (1) we were forced to live together due to economic circumstances and (2) I was promoted to be her boss, which was hard. Even when I moved into my own place and she got another job, the physical part of our relationship didn’t return. Eventually, she broke up with me and I moved away. I’ve recently moved back, spent time with her (some of the best times ever) and I told her I’m still in love with her. She said she loves me too, but there’s no physical spark left for her. She’s in therapy for stress and depression and has talked about this with her therapist. She believes chemistry is either there or it isn’t. I know it is common for the strong sexual attraction of the early part of relationships to go away after a while, but so soon? I’ve told her that if there’s no future for us, it may be too painful for me to remain her friend.
A I’m sorry to hear about all the ups and downs. That kind of roller coaster—and especially the fear of losing someone you value so much—can hurt enormously. Chemistry can go away after any length of a time (a week, a year, a decade, etc.), so you’re right that everyone is different. Especially for women (but men too), chemistry and desire are often strongly related to emotions. If she felt worn out or upset from the difficult times you had earlier and hasn’t had a chance to emotionally recoup, that can affect her desire. But even more so, right now I’d wonder if she is able to have strong desire for anyone given that she is dealing with both stress and depression (which commonly take their toll on people’s sex drives). Although painful, it’s good of her to be so open and honest with you about the lack of a spark that she feels. I’m sure it hurts terribly, but in some ways it may end up being freeing. Having this information eventually allows you to see your life more clearly and to see what your options for relationships are (and aren’t). I also think you’re very wise, and caring of yourself, to consider how to delineate your relationship in ways that make sense. If it’s too painful to remain friends, then it may be necessary to suspend contact for a while. One book I often recommend to people after breakups or moments in which they realize they are going to have to let go of someone—or the idea of being with someone—is called How to Survive the Loss of a Love (Prelude, $7.95). It’s a well-known book, has been used in therapy for decades, and while it can be a bit cheesy in places, is often quite helpful in figuring out which direction to head and how to take care of yourself in ways that promote healing and closure.