Ask Debby Herbenick | Is fantasizing in bed okay?

Q Is it common, or a problem, to have sexual fantasies about others while having sex with one’s partner? Does it matter how often it happens or what the fantasies are? I find that it sometimes helps me to achieve an orgasm and adds some arousal factor. My partner is fully attractive in every way to me, at least so far as I know. Can I be missing something? I often feel I should be focused solely on my partner but is that old-fashioned or naive?

A There are so many “shoulds” in the back of our minds when it comes to sex! You’re worried that you should think only of your partner while having sex with her or him. Others worry that they should masturbate only a certain number of times per week, should feel attracted to someone they don’t or shouldn’t Twitter mid-sex. Have a little flexibility, people! (Okay, sex tweets may be taking it a bit far, but if you do go there, I am @mysexprofessor). Look: In my opinion, the mind offers an expansive playground that can be used to make a lot of things better, including sex. Survey results have shown that many men and women think about other people during sex; this fact has sometimes been covered with a judgmental or negative tone in the press. The truth is, though, that fantasizing about other people or wildly unlikely scenarios (e.g., getting oral sex from a celebrity, sneaking into an airplane bathroom with a ridiculously hot stranger) is not only common, it can be hot. When things get hot, arousal and orgasm get easier. And when arousal and orgasm are easier, sex may be more satisfying for both partners. So what’s so wrong with thinking about other people during sex? That said, let’s face it—some people don’t want to think about their loved one getting off to fantasies of someone else. That’s one reason not everyone chooses to share their private fantasies with their partner—check out Mating in Captivity (Harper, $13.99) for one sex therapist’s view on the value of keeping some parts of one’s sexual life private. Other people totally get the fact that it’s common for men and women to fantasize about others but would be comfortable with some fantasies but not others. For example, Imaginary Friend A might be cool knowing that her partner’s orgasms are made easier by thinking about a swimsuit model but would be livid if she learned that her partner was getting off to sexual fantasies of her best friend, her mother or Michael Phelps (I mean, who can compete?). There are certainly gray areas when it comes to fantasy. Of course, you can try to focus more on how your partner looks, sounds or smells during sex, and you can also pay more attention to your bodily sensations during sex. But if a few fantasies are where it’s at? I say, enjoy.

Q I am a 27-year-old and love my boyfriend. We have been dating for about a year now, and every time we have sex I orgasm. You might be thinking, Okay, so what is the problem? The problem is that these orgasms are not the big fireworks that I know and wish I could have. When I masturbate while fantasizing about him, I have great orgasms. When I’m with him I freeze up, mentally. I overthink things and can’t concentrate. I was thinking of maybe going to a hypnotherapist to help me loosen up mentally. But would that really help?

A Hypnosis for better sex has not been well-studied, so I can’t say to what extent it would work, but it may be worth a try. What I can tell you, however, is that orgasm tends to thrive when people are relaxed and able to let go. While you seem to be a bit anxious and analytical during sex, the good news is that you realize this is a barrier. You are also able to have more satisfying orgasms during masturbation and have found that an active fantasy life enhances your orgasms when you’re alone. I wonder which of these “lessons” you might successfully apply to your sex life with your boyfriend. Rather than try everything at once, try one or two of these strategies during partner sex with the intention of making sex more pleasurable. In other words, try not to aim too high, for fireworks orgasms; aim for enjoyment. What exactly are you overthinking during sex, anyway, that you might be able to relax about? To what extent might slow, deep breaths help you relax? Another option: A sex mantra, such as “this feels good, sex together is amazing,” can replace any running commentary or negative self-talk that might be going on in your head mid-thrust. If your mind thrives on activity, perhaps you can think or talk through a fantasy that is likely to bring you to orgasm (try using the ones you use during masturbation). The fantasy doesn’t have to have anything to do with what’s actually happening. He may be pumping away in missionary while you imagine going down on him, using a vibrator or dildo in front of him, or going to a sex club together. Consider, too, what else might be different about your solo play: Do you spend more time with your buildup when alone compared to a more rushed experience with your boyfriend? Do you use sex toys during your private time but not during partner sex? If so, try modifying your partner sex to include some of the successful or exciting elements of your masturbation. Finally, keep in mind that orgasms do vary—sometimes they feel one way with certain sex acts (like intercourse) and another way during other acts (like masturbation or vibrator use).

Q Okay, here’s the story: My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years now. We have a great relationship and find each other very attractive. My problem is that foreplay and sex do not feel as good as they once did. He does everything right, it’s just that the sensations are not the same as they were in my teens/early twenties—unless, that is, I’ve smoked pot beforehand. Then everything feels amazing. I’m not sure if it’s a relaxation issue or a chemical issue or what. Although the sex is enjoyable and it feels good to be close to my partner, I don’t have an orgasm from oral or intercourse, unless I’m high.

A IResearch is conflicting when it comes to marijuana and sex. Given that marijuana is not legal in most parts of the country (and federally speaking, it’s not legal at all in the U.S.), it’s difficult for scientists to conduct sound research. The little research that we do have on the topic suggests that some people who smoke marijuana find it easier to orgasm or report more enjoyable orgasms. Other research suggests marijuana can actually make it more difficult to climax. Those who smoke up more nights than not may relate to either experience, and the research—like the experience—is a clouded, hazy mess that leaves everyone else mystified, not to mention hungry (for knowledge, of course). Given that the newer, more rigorous research suggests a generally negative relationship between pot and orgasms, I wonder if a placebo effect is what’s helping your orgasms post-pot. If that’s the case, waiting to have sex until your vagina is throbbing and aching for it might help you to orgasm more easily, as might relaxation or fantasy. The books Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15) and For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality (Signet, $7.99) are full of orgasm-focused tips that may be helpful, too, whatever you decide in regard to your pot consumption.