Ask Debby Herbenick | My husband and I are exploring sex clubs

Q I am a man in late middle-age and have had scores of sexual involvements. Is there ever a reason to tell other sex partners about one’s sexual history? Of course, one would share appropriate medical concerns and information, but what if there are none? I had always thought that one’s past experiences should be private, and I have personally never wanted to know details of my partners’ history. What’s your view? Should two people share their histories with each other if there is no medical risk to report?

A Scores as in lots? Or scores as in sets of 20? Either way, it sounds as though your number is probably more than you can count on your fingers, toes, penis and testicles combined, and perhaps you have a colorful history to share. Of course, whether a person has had one partner or four score and seven partners, his or her current main squeeze may not want to hear about past involvements. Then again, it varies: Some people think it’s fun to exchange sex stories. After all, most people don’t have all that many people they can tell their wildest, hottest, most loving, lustful or even most heartbreaking sex stories to. Other people ask questions about their partner’s past sexual involvements only to find that the information contributes to feelings of jealously and insecurity or even nightmares. Coming to terms with a partner’s past is not always easy. However, most people have had more than one sex partner, which means that nearly everyone has a sexual past. That said, many couples would be better off if they erred on the side of providing (and asking for) less information until they feel with some certainty that sharing information would be welcome, helpful or arousing—or at least that they wouldn’t be made to feel bad about their past. I agree with you that all medical risks should be disclosed (e.g., people should disclose their sexually transmissible infection status) but aside from that, people often make up the rules of disclosure as they go along. I’d also caution against sharing stories that prey on your partner’s insecurities—for example, if he or she feels bad about not being flexible, you might not want to flaunt your tale about the time you bedded an Olympic gymnast.

Q I’m in my midtwenties and have been single now for about 10 months. During the course of that singledom, I’ve found that most of my reliable friends (both guys and girls) are now happily married or in serious long-term relationships. These are the people who used to introduce me to potential girlfriends (although never set-up, just chatting with friends of friends at parties and so on), but now something has clearly changed. Now when I see them (which is less and less), they all hang out with equally married friends, with NO single girls to be found. Now, I do have another set of friends, a bunch of totally amazing gay guys, some coupled up, some single, but all equally up for hanging out, and I always have a blast with them. Unfortunately, they too are completely bereft of female friends, so I’m not going to meet a girl through them. I’m not beyond going out by myself, but often when I do, it turns into a one-night stand, and while that’s enjoyable, I’m ready to move beyond that and find something serious. As clichéd as it sounds, I prefer to be with someone who I can build a solid sexual/emotional connection with. So, where in the world is a guy supposed to meet that someone?

A It’s not cliché, it’s reality. As much as people front about wanting to hook up with random people all the time, most people eventually want someone to build a long-term thing with—someone they can come home to, have regular sex with and ask to pick up the dry cleaning on their way home pretty please. Here are a few possible ways to meet single-and-looking women: One, throw more parties at your house (or suggest a happy hour at a bar) and invite a wider circle of people, including acquaintances, coworkers and marginal Facebook friends. Two, try an Eight at Eight dinner-club outing (8at8.com), at which you’ll meet four single women and three other single men and potentially increase your circle of single friends. Third, consider signing up for a Mac ’n Cheese night (macncheesedinnerparties.com) at which you are bound to meet new single people over a small dinner or in a larger get-together. Fourth, check the listings at CheekyChicago.com, a group that hosts events targeted at fun women and men in their twenties and thirties in the Chicago area. If you’d rather not go alone lest you wind up casual sex-ing it, bring a married or gay friend as a wingman. Chicago is also full of amazing activities and sports including yoga classes galore (which tend to be full of women you could get to know better) and intramural sports like Frisbee, dodgeball or kickball. There are plenty of places for a friendly, social guy like you—a guy with great intentions to meet someone for fun and maybe orgasmic summer naked times—to turn. Let me know how it works out; living vicariously is my forte.

Q My husband and I have been considering one of my fantasies: sex clubs. Can you put me on a path that I may bring this fantasy to a reality? I have no current info or expectations.

A Aren’t you and your husband the lucky ones? Not only can you share your fantasies with each other but you two seem open-minded too (love the hand-written floral note card you used to send me your question, too—it beats the anonymous typewritten notes I usually get). If sex clubs are your fantasy, let me suggest a few things to think about in reality. When you dream about going to a sex club with your husband, what do you envision? Do you imagine yourselves feeling aroused by having other people watch you two have sex? Do you want to walk around and just watch others? Or do you imagine yourselves participating in sex with other people? This is an important detail and something you will want to discuss with your husband before heading out the door to a sex club. Some couples go to swinger’s events or sex clubs and watch the first time (ask first to make sure this is okay—it usually is). They may make a pact to only do certain things (e.g., sex with each other, not with anyone new) the first time, which gives them a chance to take a look and either return another night or change their plans. You’ll also want to decide whether you’re comfortable with the local Chicago/suburban swinger’s scene (see listings at swinglifestyle.com) or whether you’d prefer to reduce your risk of running into neighbors by going to a club like Power Exchange in San Francisco or the Red Rooster in Las Vegas. There are plenty of down-low sex parties in Chicago, which you can learn about via word of mouth once you are a trusted member of the sex-club scene. If you’re intent on hanging with only the pretty people, these application-only parties are the ones you’ll want to consider—just be prepared to submit photographs and/or essays (seriously) for consideration.