Ask Debby Herbenick | Why do men like the money shot?

Q I am very interested in a male coworker. I finally had the nerve to ask him out to dinner. He accepted the offer. Since then, we have gone out to dinner four times. I suspect he is gay, like me, because he’s 39, never been married, and is currently single. Plus, there is a woman at work who acts like his hag. Other coworkers have told them that they should get married. They both look at each other and laugh when this comment is made. I have not had the courage to ask him if he is gay or not. I think that I myself am pretty easy to identify. As one of my friends noted, how many guys ask other men out to dinner unless it’s to a sports bar (which was not the case) or for a business meeting (nope)? My problem is if the answer is no, and he’s not gay, I still need to see him every day, and I know he will tell his “hag” and then word will spread that I asked him. So, I have a two-part question: Should I just ask him if he’s gay, and if so, how should I approach the subject?

A Okay, so to be clear: You’re (a) gay and (b) pretty certain that most people’s gaydar would go off around you. Plus, you’ve (c) got the hots for a male coworker but can’t tell if he’s gay, even after eating several meals with him, so you (d) want to ask him point-blank. Yes? If so, then it seems to me that it’s less important whether your coworker is gay and more an issue of whether he’s interested in you. He may not be. Or he may be highly interested in you but—after only four dinners together—he may not yet have decided whether he’s willing to risk awkwardness at work for a chance at sex or a relationship with you. Or perhaps he’s wondering if you’re gay, too (as obvious as you think your sexual orientation may be, the metrosexual and manscaping movements, along with the popularization of slim-fit shirts, have blurred the boundaries of what it means to “look” like your orientation). If your coworker is interested in men, then his knowing that you’re gay will at least signal to him that you’re a prospect. If he’s not gay or interested, then knowing more about each other’s lives may at least help you two develop a closer friendship. Who knows? Maybe he or his “hag” will eventually introduce you to an even hotter or more appealing guy down the road. Given that this guy is a coworker, steer clear of direct questions about his sexuality, which could make him uncomfortable—or even be considered harassing in the worst-case scenario. However, letting him know subtly that you’re gay (say, by referring to a male ex or a recent night out at a well-known gay bar) may be enough to start the ball rolling. If he doesn’t proceed to flirt with you, you’ll have to come to terms with the idea that he may be straight, taken or simply not into you.

Q I just started having sex with a new boyfriend. I have had sex before but am not terribly experienced. We use condoms, but he has an odd habit of taking it off when he’s about to ejaculate so he can shoot his sperm on my stomach and chest. Is this something guys do in committed relationships, or is he using me for a cheap thrill? Also, is there a danger of pregnancy? Sometimes he dribbles some right on my vagina.

A Many women are curious about men who spray their semen. Is it a power thing? Are they imagining themselves as porn stars? Or as firemen, with their penis as their hose? I suppose some men shoot their semen from a place of disrespect or other icky feelings, but many men just find that it feels better to ejaculate unencumbered rather than with a condom on. Some guys find that watching their ejaculate spurt out—like the money shot in a porn movie—adds an extra layer of arousal. And some guys have had partners who like it, too, so he may even think (or hope) that you enjoy it, too. At the very least, if you haven’t ever suggested he keep his condom on, or that he come into a towel instead, he may think you don’t mind it. Taking a condom off and shooting ejaculate on your stomach or breasts isn’t a pregnancy risk, but squirting it on your vulva or anywhere near your vaginal opening sure is. Sperm are superfast swimmers, and they’re able to swim upward through vaginal fluids, make their way into the vagina and possibly find an egg to implant. If you don’t want to become pregnant, add a highly effective method of birth control (such as the pill, patch or ring) or insist that he keep his condom on the entire time, or that he come far away from your genitals. If you don’t like it when he ejaculates on you—either because you worry how he feels about you or because you simply don’t like the gooey factor—it’s okay to say that. The fact that you worry that your boyfriend may see you as a cheap thrill suggests that you have feelings for him and hope that he feels similarly. You may want to check in with him to see what his hopes and expectations are. For starters, though you described him as your “new boyfriend,” does he consider you his girlfriend? When, in partner sex, you stumble upon something—like your guy’s semen shooting—that piques your curiosity, I’d encourage you to ask about it so that you can minimize the risk of misunderstanding each other and maximize your pleasures. Have fun! And just make sure he doesn’t get any ejaculate in your eyes—it can sting like the dickens.

Q I have breast cancer and just had a double mastectomy six weeks ago and am very concerned about issues regarding lovemaking and achieving orgasm. Is it possible to orgasm without breasts? I can’t yet. Is it too soon? I’m afraid all my nerves regarding sex resided in my breasts and without any sensation there I won’t be able to come. I am in the process of breast reconstruction with expanders. Please help.

A I’m so sorry to hear that you have cancer and completely understand your concerns. Although many women experience sexual problems following treatment, the types of sexual problems women face and their severity are influenced by a range of factors, including the type of treatment. You may have fewer sexual side effects, for example, if your treatment was limited to a double mastectomy, rather than having chemotherapy as well, which is more often linked to problems with sexual arousal, orgasm and vaginal lubrication. Mastectomy, by itself, is often linked with changes to body image and breast sensation. Body-image concerns can get in the way of one’s ability to fully “get into” sex. In terms of your nerves, there are multiple pathways to female orgasm and, assuming you have not also had pelvic surgery, these nerve pathways (that run from the genitals through the spinal cord and to the brain) should still be intact. Many survivors regain their ability to orgasm, and I suspect you will, too; six weeks is very soon to be expecting a return to orgasmic sex. You may find it helpful to meet with a sex therapist (sstarnet.org), visit a breast-cancer support group, or read a book such as Living Beyond Breast Cancer (Three Rivers Press, $17).