One night standards

So it happened again. You’re not sure where your keys are, your head is still pounding, and the girl you hooked up with is gone. The night is kind of a blur and there are eight random text messages from your friends wondering what happened to you. Man, I sure hope she didn’t steal anything.... Sounds as if, when it comes to one-night stands, someone is a rookie.

The one-night stand gets a bad rap. But many lasting relationships have begun with a chance encounter—or at least, that’s the premise of countless romantic movies. You may not be interested in that, but you could be and that is the important part. Also, technically speaking, it is not considered a one-night stand if you have sex again in the morning. And hell, if Ron Jeremy can make a living at his specialty, then why can’t you take someone home from a random bar on any given night? It really depends on whom you meet and how you handle it. Wilt Chamberlain said he slept with 20,000 women—there’s gotta be someone for you out there tonight.

Chances of hooking up are greatly enhanced if you have already somehow met your one nighter before the night. Thanks to terrifying sex-crime-laden procedural programs like CSI, Cold Case Files and American Justice, girls are leery of pretty much anyone with a penis. If a girl knows your friends, sees your Facebook profile, or believes whatever story you make up, that’s a solid first step. Be careful who finds out about your conquest. If you sleep with one ugly girl from your work, the whole world is likely to find out.

If the encounter is to be completely random, a few things will help improve your chances. Having the nerve to actually strike up a conversation might be gut-wrenching, but you’ll need to get past that. After pleasant conversation and passing the “he’s obviously not a predator test,” the key is to bring that person to another location, preferably another familiar bar. It shows trust and allows you to be more comfortable in your own setting. Being comfortable is key. Making the other person comfortable is even more important. I’ll only visit bartenders I like because they can help a lot. They’ll even pretend as if this doesn’t happen often, if you leave a big enough tip.

Now, it is essential to understand what I call “the law of opposites.” Don’t try too hard and things will happen. Force the issue and it is less likely they will. So, the more you talk, the worse you look. The harder you urge her to come back to your place, the more she won’t. Swing for the fences and you might strike out. Hit the ball softly and you won’t even reach first base. Alcohol may be your best wingman—loosening the inhibitions of you and your mate for the night—but don’t overdo it. The more you drink, the greater the chance of this entire thing blowing up in your face.

If you want to have a one-night stand, it boils down to practice and good luck. It took Bill Murray umpteen times to not screw up his date with Andie MacDowell in Groundhog Day. And when did she want to sleep with him? When he wasn’t even trying. I’ve brought women back to my place, only to find out they prefer girls. That’s important information to know before you get back to your place.

The morning after is always a tricky situation. I don’t mind sharing my move—refined from years of practice—with you.

What I like to do is wait a bit after we’re done having sex and set my phone alarm to a ringtone. I answer it, say things like, “Man, are you okay? Where are you at? Of course, I’ll be there.” Then I’ll explain to the girl that I have to go help my friend, so unfortunately she can’t stay. After we’re dressed I’ll walk her to the door, act like I forgot my keys, make sure she can get home okay, go back upstairs and go back to sleep. I call my move, “the U-turn.” We both win. She leaves feeling as if I am a really good guy and I get to spread out in my bed and get a decent night of sleep. It has been refined over the years. I used to take a walk around the block; sometimes I would wait for them to get a cab. But I’m older now and the less effort, the better for me.

One-night stands can be a very beautiful thing. A physical encounter with a person of the opposite sex with no strings attached? It doesn't get much better. Don't let your friends hate, because most will wish they could do the same thing. Of course, not every experience will be gold. Not every person you hook up with will be a supermodel. If your friends have any questions about what might've happened and the truth is a little too hard to face, do what I do. Lie."