Ask Debby Herbenick | Pregnant sex and sex on the rag

Q I love having sex with my wife when she’s on her period. She’ll do it, but she definitely thinks it’s weird that I like it as much as I do. Don’t get me wrong—I like sex when she’s off her period, too, but there’s something hot about doing it when she’s on the rag that I can’t explain. Is she right? Am I weird? I read your column every week and considering all the other things that people like, this doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary to me.

A I’d bet that if you gave it some time and thought, you’d have a pretty good sense of why you like having sex with your wife when she’s on her period. Maybe it feels very primitive to you. Maybe it feels as if you’re hungry for each other, no matter what. Who knows? Some men and women find that the smell of a woman’s period drives them wild; others who don’t want babies at the moment get revved up with the knowledge that they are way less likely to get pregnant during sex on a woman’s period (women do sometimes get pregnant while on their period, but it is highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, you like it. And maybe if you considered the reasons and, as long as they aren’t sadistic (“I like seeing you so uncomfortable and crampy!”), shared them with your wife, she might be able to see your perspective. If you like period sex and she’s cool with it, then have a good time! There are several hormones associated with feelings of calm and contentment that come with sex (especially orgasmic sex), which may help your wife to feel more comfortable or relaxed during a time of the month when she may otherwise be feeling icky. As such, you and your sex drive may be an enormous blessing.

Q My first sexual experience was not so good. As soon as my penis started feeling really hard and stimulated, when I was getting it close to getting it in my girlfriend’s vagina, I ejaculated. After ejaculating, my legs felt numb and it was hard to get it up again so we could have sex for real. My penis is really sensitive, and now I am afraid of coming too quickly if I try sex again. What do I do?

A If only I had a bottle of lube for every time I’d heard a story like yours, I’d have an Olympic-size swimming pool full of the stuff. And an invitation sent out to Mr. Phelps. Many, many men have been in your situation. Although losing one’s virginity is often made to look fun and easy in the movies (and porn), men’s first time having sex is quite often more like the scene at the end of 40-Year-Old Virgin when it lasts a matter of seconds. Either that or men may have erection problems during their first time as they battle performance anxiety, or they may awkwardly fumble around and try to get their penis in their partner’s vagina or anus. With sex, people get do-over opportunities—a lifetime of them—so don’t give up. Consider trying again. Condoms are likely to be your penis’s best friend (aside from your right hand). Not only are condoms highly effective at preventing pregnancy and reducing the risk of most STIs, but they can slightly reduce sensation, which means that using a condom can help some men to last a little longer during sex. There are even desensitizing condoms that include a small bit of numbing cream to help dull the sensation. Consider getting a box of those condoms and trying them during masturbation so that you can feel practiced and confident taking them out of the package, rolling them down your penis and making your first move. When you’re ready to have sex with your girlfriend, make sex more than just about fitting Part A into Part B. Spend time kissing, touching and caressing each other (yes, caressing is a lame word, but it feels so good that it’s worth it). And if you do ejaculate earlier than you’d like, move on to something else. Kiss each other, perform oral sex, touch each other, whatever floats your boats—sex is not all about lasting long and having a hard penis; it’s about making each other’s bodies tingle and stimulating each other’s minds and emotions. With time and practice, it gets better. For now, enjoy the fumblings—if you roll with them, they won’t seem so bad. Check out The Guide to Getting It On (Goofy Foot Press, $24.95) for more beginner sex tips.

Q I’m a lesbian, my girlfriend’s bi, and she’s totally hot. Guys hit on her all the time. We’ve had a few fights because I’m afraid she’s going to leave me for a guy. It’s the classic bi argument where she’s all, “It’s the same as dating someone who could leave you for another girl.” I get it when I think about it. She could leave me for anyone. But how do I stop feeling so afraid, which is what makes me get jealous and snap at her?

A The good news about jealousy rearing its uncomfortable head is that it’s a pretty decent signal you’ve found someone you don’t want to lose. But what you want is to stop the icky feelings that turn you into Jealous Girlfriend Who Might Drive Hot Girlfriend Away. When you feel jealous, notice it calmly. Say to yourself, I’m feeling jealous. It’s not about her, it’s about me. To cope, try deep breathing and reframe your thoughts. Rather than thinking, “She’s going to leave me for the guy at Whole Foods!” you could think “I don’t want to lose her, so how can I strike that balance between showing her my feelings and giving her space to live life?” You can also try sharing your feelings with her. When a guy hits on her, you could let her know that it made your stomach hurt, you felt insecure or afraid for a second, and then it passed—or you need a hug or a big fat make-out session to make it better. Nearly everyone has felt jealousy. If she’s not doing anything to provoke it (which is a whole different story), then your ability to deal with it has got to come from within and from talking it out with your girlfriend. Because she’s right: Being bisexual does not mean that she’s going to cheat or run off. Her sexuality isn’t going anywhere, which means you two will need to figure out how to make it work. The jealousy/communication chapter in The Ethical Slut may be a useful resource, too (Celestial Arts, $16.95).

Q My husband and I, both in our late twenties, are about to have our first child. I am approaching my eighth month and feel fine. We have both always enjoyed a robust, enjoyable sex life. We wondered if there are specific sex acts we should curtail. Of course certain positions are becoming gymnastically unfeasible, but we are primarily concerned about medical considerations.

A Most couples can continue to have sex throughout their pregnancy. If you’re not sure if you can safely have sex, ask your obstetrician. If you’re given the green light, then your sex life will mostly depend on what feels comfortable for you. In the third trimester, couples more often find that positions such as spooning, doggie style and/or woman on top are more comfortable. There’s a small bit of research that suggests that man-on-top positions (anything missionary-like) may raise a woman’s risk of going into pre-term labor. The fact is you have only one month of pregnancy left. Sure, you want to have good sex, but by no means do you have to cram a lifetime of hotness into your final stretch.