Ask Debby Herbenick | All about orgasms and the clitoris

Q I’m a girl in my midtwenties in a five-year relationship with a guy who I absolutely love. Our sex life followed the typical trend of long-term relationships: It was all the time and hot at first, and now it is still hot, but less so. I’m not worried, as I know how that goes and we don’t even live together yet so I’m excited about spicing it up and adding frequency when we finally do move in. What does worry me is that I find that it takes more outside things to get me aroused than it used to—for example, porn. I can almost guarantee that watching porn with my boyfriend will make me want to go at it, but I could not give that guarantee if he and I just started messing around. I almost feel guilty—shouldn’t just fooling around with him be enough? I also am wondering about the female aspect in porn, because it doesn’t have to be guy-on-girl sex, it can be girl-on-girl that gets me going. I’ve messed around with girls, and am not opposed to doing it again (if I were single), but I could never ever see myself in a relationship with one. I used to think I might be bi, but like I said, I would never be interested in an actual relationship with a woman. Does this sound like something I should be worried about, that I’m not more aroused by just him?
A Should you be worried if you find that porn plus sex with your boyfriend (including girl-on-girl porn) pushes you over the sexual excitement edge more so than only your boyfriend? Not necessarily. If these things are just icing on the cake, then no big deal. If, however, you find that the only way you can become aroused with your boyfriend is by watching porn, then it could potentially cause issues now or later. That’s not to say it will—some people make peace with the fact that their partner needs to have something else (fill in the blank: women’s panties, leather, cigarettes, etc.) in order to make sex pleasurable or orgasmic. Overall, it seems as though you have a realistic attitude toward sex: You get that the frequency and excitement factor of sex often fade in long-term relationships and you are already thinking of ways to make it more exciting down the road. If sexual arousal and pleasure are important to you, I wonder if you can think of ways to making it more fulfilling now. Why wait until you’re living together? And as far as liking girl-on-girl porn, that’s common. Research has shown that women of various sexual orientations feel turned on by all sorts of sexual images and not always the ones that “match” their orientation. None of this means you can’t have an enjoyable relationship with your boyfriend. It’s okay to not be 10,000 percent aroused by your partner—it’s the Hollywood fantasy that says that our partners should make us salivate the second they step into the room. If this really nags at you now that you’ve admitted it to yourself, pay attention. Ask yourself if you need something else (to be single, date around, spice up your sex life, have a threesome, share your feelings with your boyfriend, drop the guilt complex, etc). You might also find it helpful to read Mating in Captivity (Harper, $13.99), which provides insights into why desire sometimes fades in long-term relationships and what to do about it.

Q Can you recommend a lubricant that can arouse the clitoris and make it easier to orgasm?
A Few sensation/arousal products have been tested with latex condoms, so let me preface this by saying that if you are using condoms, you may want to hold off on arousal products unless you know that they don’t contain oil. That’s because oils can cause latex condoms to tear. Or you can use polyurethane condoms, which don’t have the same issues with oil-based products. Yay! Okay, back to your curiosity: Zestra is one of the few arousal products that’s been tested and found to enhance women’s sexual arousal and possibly even ease of orgasm. It’s available over the counter in many drug stores, sex shops and online. Many in-home sex-toy party companies such as Pure Romance and Passion Parties also sell arousal creams, as do local sex boutiques, which may offer you the chance to sample some on your skin so you can feel to what extent it changes sensation for you. Warming lubricants can feel pleasurable, too, but careful about slathering on too much all at once. Women’s genitals are more sensitive than men’s and too much warming can be owie rather than zowielala. By the way, even regular water-based lubricant that you slowly and erotically massage around your clitoris may enhance your arousal and ease of orgasm for the sheer reason that clitoral stimulation often does that.

Q I keep seeing your name in news reports that mention your vibrator research. It says that you found that almost half of men have used vibrators. Half? Is this right? I don’t get it. What do men like me do with vibrators? I can’t believe that almost half have had anal sex with one. Please enlighten this aging (but curious) man.
A Yes, we found that more than half of women and nearly half of men had used vibrators. Unfortunately, we didn’t have space to ask them all the wonderful details we would love to know, so we don’t know where exactly they were putting the vibrator. However, as most of men’s vibrator use was with female partners, one might guess that they were either holding the vibrator up to their partner’s clitoris or other vulva parts or that they were using couples vibrators, such as vibrating rings, that anchor onto the guy’s penis (like a cock ring) while simultaneously vibrating the woman’s clitoris during face-to-face sex. Quite a lot of men enjoy the way a vibrator feels on their penis, scrotum or anal area. The best way to enlighten yourself is to give one a whirl—check out the Lelo Homme Bo ($69.95 at the Pleasure Chest, 3436 N Lincoln Ave, 773-525-7151), a favorite of several men I know.

Q My boyfriend and I started thinking that orgasms are the best guide to a person’s overall well-being. We thought that if one could claim to enjoy an optimal number and quality of orgasms, whether in solo or partner sex, that would be the most significant indicator of one’s personal, overall adjustment. Could we be oversimplifying things?
A Thanks for your question—and the lovely “I love you”–themed greeting card you wrote it on. Personally, I can’t imagine that an Orgasm-O-Meter would be a good single indicator of wellness or personal adjustment. And this is coming from a woman who loves a good orgasm (or three). The thing is, some people never orgasm but are quite content and well adjusted. Others orgasm all the time despite feeling depressed, stressed or otherwise meh. Orgasms can be a beautiful thing, but they’re not the whole thing. That said, if you and your boyfriend are happy in bed and in life, then take that and run with it.