Ask Debby Herbenick | Porn-watching girlfriend and the NuvaRing

Q I want sex. I am a 14-year-old girl and my mom can’t know. What can I do?
A If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your mom, find another adult you can speak with such as an aunt, uncle or a guidance counselor. It’s not that teenagers are never ready for sex, but young women and men are often better situated to have safer, more pleasurable sex when they’re a little older. The average age of first intercourse is around 17. Even then, not all older teenagers find that sex feels as good—physically or emotionally—as they thought it would. It can take time to learn how to pleasure your own body. It can also take time to learn how to take good care of your own health by finding, affording and using effective birth control and getting tested regularly for sexually transmissible infections. Though many teenage girls feel interested in sex—which is totally normal—adults who encourage young people to wait are doing so because they want them to be safe, protected from infection and pregnancy, and to have sex that ultimately feels right. That’s hard to do when you’re 14—and not because you’re not awesome or in like/love. Young women and men fall in and out of relationships faster than adults, so if you want to be sexual with someone because you’re in love, you may get your heart broken if that person falls out of love with you quicker than you hoped. Your body is also vulnerable in ways you may not realize—the cervix (which is the opening to the uterus) of teenage girls is more vulnerable to infection than the cervix of adult women. That means that if you have sex with an infected partner, you’d be more likely to get an infection. To learn more about sex, check out teenwire.com and scarleteen.com, two sites that answer common questions about sex from teenagers. And again, please talk to a trusted adult—preferably someone who is at least 25 (not just an 18-year-old cousin)—before you go ahead.

Q When getting on the Internet on my girlfriend’s computer a month or so ago, I noticed in the URL history that she had accessed some porn sites and watched a few videos. It really scares me that she watches porn when I’m not around, but often doesn’t get aroused by me when I am around. I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together for six years, and our sex life has never really been spectacular (we don’t seem to be matched in that department). I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I also know that this problem needs fixing.
A People have different reactions when they find porn on their partner’s computer or Web history. Some are psyched and hope it means their partner will watch porn with them or might try new things they’ve seen online. Others may worry their partner is interested in other people, not interested in them, or has a secret life or fantasies he or she can’t talk to a partner about. If this is digging at you or you feel bad for checking her Web history, consider fessing up. Let her know that it’s hard for you to say this but you checked her history (Maybe there’s a good reason you were doing so? Perhaps you were looking for a site you’d recently visited?), saw the porn sites and want to talk with her about it. She and her friends may have looked at the porn as a joke or out of curiosity. Or it may be an exciting part of her masturbation routine that she may or may not want to share with you (which is also okay—people have the right to have private feelings). If you do chat about her Web findings, try not to make her feel bad about her sexual interests. Keep the focus on wanting to be closer to her and to make your shared sex life more connecting and enjoyable for you both. Check out the book For Each Other (Signet, $8.99) for tips on enhancing your sex life.

Q My wife is pregnant and does not feel like having sex with me. I would like to make love, but I feel guilty when refused and feel bad when I disturb her sleep. To avoid all this, I masturbate, but that too makes me feel guilty, as if I am being overly selfish. We have a great relationship but when it comes to sex I always initiate. Is there anything I can do to make her want to have sex and enjoy the experience as well? Please advise—for while she’s pregnant and for normal times as well.
A Please join me in saying good riddance to the tired old myth that masturbation is a bad thing. It’s not! Masturbation can be an exciting and satisfying part of people’s sex lives—yes, even for married, expectant couples such as yourselves. You can masturbate alone or, if your wife is interested, together. Have you talked with your wife about your sexual feelings? She may totally understand your need for orgasms and may even find it a relief that you’ve found a way to satisfy yourself that doesn’t involve pressuring her for sex. If she wants to join in, brainstorm ways of being sexual together that feel comfortable to her given her changing body and changing emotional needs. Check out Love in the Time of Colic (Harper, $16.99)—a great guide for new parents who are looking to stay connected in bed.

Q I recently switched from birth-control pills to the NuvaRing and have some questions regarding sex. Newly single, I have yet to engage in any sexual activity since changing over, but a few things have me concerned that when I do, the experience may be less than pleasant. Some male friends said they could feel the ring when they had sex with women who used them and it hampered their pleasure. A few of my girlfriends said sex was uncomfortable while the ring was in place. Have you heard of this? Side-effect-wise, this has been a great alternative to the pill, but I don’t want it impacting my sex life.
A For the most part, NuvaRing is an excellent contraceptive that many women and their partners like using. Like anything, though, there are possible downsides. Some men and women can feel the NuvaRing during sex and others cannot. Some men who feel it actually like it, whereas others have found it painful or awkward. Some women take it out during sex, though that’s not recommended as it can decrease its effectiveness. You also might want to check to make sure it’s still in place post-sex as it can (rarely) slip out. Given that these cons are pretty rare, you might give it a try and see how it feels. Worst case? You or your partner won’t like it and you might need to use condoms for a week or two while you switch birth-control methods. Considering that you should be using condoms with a new partner anyway (to reduce the risk of infection), that’s not such a bad scenario.

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