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Laurie
Laurie, 40, can't find a woman who meets her feminine standards.
THE ANALYSIS
After an 85-hour workweek, Laurie still manages to look dashing as she sidles up to the bar on a cold Friday evening. Tonight, the doe-eyed brunet, a self-dubbed lipstick lesbian, is participating in an event at gay bar Sidetrack for Equality Illinois (she’s on the board of the LGBT-rights-advocating org).
Less than a minute after we meet, her nervous, exasperated cheek-puff melts into a welcoming grin that she wears for most of the night. “My BlackBerry goes off constantly,” she says apologetically. “I work weekends; I even have to work Jewish holidays. I feel guilty for my lonely dog.” I learn quickly that she’s, in many ways, a traditional Jewish gal; she has a love-hate relationship with her finance job; and she’s self-deprecating—her CrackBerry remains off while we’re in the bar, a dog walker cares for her pooch and, although she warned me she might be late, she arrives early.
Until we met, I knew one important fact about Laurie from our e-mail exchanges: She came out just five years ago. At age 31, she befriended a female coworker and palling around progressed into a six-month relationship until her office-mate abruptly marched into Laurie’s office and broke it off. “I knew that men could be players. I could handle that,” Laurie says. “This was crushing pain like I’ve never felt before.” She went back and forth between men and women for the next few years until she met “the perfect Jewish guy”: beefy, sweet, family-oriented and funny. But “I couldn’t connect with him,” Laurie admits. “[The problem] wasn’t about sex, it was the comfort level.”
While Laurie pours out the details of her long, at times painful, trek out of the closet, we’re interrupted several times. Circuit Court judge candidate Linda J. Pauel walks over with her girlfriend and says that Laurie is the sweetest woman she knows. A sweater-vest–clad stranger with a crew cut sends the bartender our way with a drink for Laurie, who turns it down. (She tells the bartender she doesn’t dig butch women.)
Laurie goes back to her story: At 35, she took a hard look at herself, which sparked a key memory: During her Glenview upbringing, at age seven, a girl named Rickie Lee made her nervous. A first crush. A light went on and she changed her life, landing a new job, officially coming out and buying a two-story condo in Boystown.
An hour into our meeting, Laurie’s chatted with half a dozen lesbians, but no feminine types. No one to ask out. So we conceptualize her ideal mate: feminine, family-oriented (Laurie calls her mom ten times a week), fit (in college, Laurie was a bodybuilder), hard-working, goal-oriented, witty and a smart sense of humor. Laurie’s friend Dalila, sitting nearby, overhears her requirements and laughingly calls her picky. Laurie’s eyes flicker with self-doubt.
THE INTERVENTION
Steinmetz says Laurie might find a fem catch by attending events organized by nonprofs like Lesbian Community Cancer Project. Laurie says she’s been there, done that and met only off-putting butch types. Steinmetz runs out of singles-spot suggestions quickly—Laurie’s thoroughly scoured the lesbian dating scene, websites included. Steinmetz then encourages her to go with her instinct and if she spies someone of interest, ask her out. Laurie counters that she acts really shy when she doesn’t know someone.
LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN
We hit up T’s, an Andersonville lesbian bar and resto. None of the patrons in the dark back bar are feminine. But the server is an adorable redhead in a tight pair of bell-bottoms and plaid shirt. Laurie is too anxious to make the first move, so I take the lead. When the server brings us the bill, I tell her Laurie and I have made a gentleman’s bet: I say she’s an artist and Laurie says she’s an athlete. Who’s right? Laurie has that puffed-cheek nervous expression, but when the waitress flirtatiously claims she’s actually a math nerd, Laurie’s anxiety dissipates. The two talk about math and finance. Then we find out the waitress is 22. Deal breaker.
Laurie heads back to her apartment to do more office work. She’s met her expectations of not nabbing a date. But from her chatter about the 22-year-old as we leave the bar, I can tell Laurie’s excited about one of the rare pleasures of singledom: flirting up a sexy stranger and then calling it a night.
Want to date Laurie? E-mail lauriew@tocpersonals.com.
FAMILY & FRIENDS
“She came out later in the game. I think she lost that chunk of years. But she has to take it as it comes.” —Jodi, friend
“Laurie doesn’t know what a great person she is. People are interested in her and she pulls away. Everyone I know wants to date her.” —Dalila, friend
“The lesbian world is not as big as the straight world. Everyone has their preferences. It’s hard to find the right person.” —Jodi, friend
“Shit, she is picky. For her, it’s only about looks.” —Dalila, friend
LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS
“Dating women is hard; it’s more difficult than dating men,” says Steinmetz, who maintains that women can be more difficult to read. “Keep that in mind—cut yourself some slack when things go wrong.”
“Don’t worry if you don’t know if the woman is straight or gay,” Steinmetz says. Approach her and say hi anyway. The worst thing that could happen is you appear very friendly.
Expand your horizons beyond bars by getting involved in the Lesbian Community Cancer Project and Howard Brown Health Center.
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