Ask Debby Herbenick | Increasing penis size and sex toys

Q My partner and I have run into some troubles since having our son six months ago. We resumed our sex life two weeks post-delivery. Since then, I have some desensitization in my vagina, to the point that sometimes I can’t feel my partner inside me. Pre-baby, I knew exactly how to orgasm and I could have multiple explosive orgasms. Post-baby, I’ve orgasmed twice in six months. My partner, who pre-baby could last over an hour before ejaculating, is now an oversensitized five-minute wonder. We still have sex every day, sometimes twice, so it’s not a matter of “blue balls.” If he lasts longer than five minutes, he comes the second I feel an orgasm starting. Despite trying, I have never in my life been able to orgasm through digital penetration, clitoral stimulation (alone), cunnilingus, vibrators or in any position other than with me on top. So when my partner comes just as the orgasm is starting, it’s all over for me. Is there anything we can do to help our situation? I am desperate for that release.
A With a little experimentation, it should be possible to get back to a satisfying and orgasmic sex life, particularly as you were previously capable of multiple enjoyable orgasms and you two seem in it to win it, to paraphrase Hillary Clinton. I’d say your odds are better than hers were, so chin up (vagina up?). Women’s bodies change in ways we don’t fully understand post-birth. Sometimes people see only negatives; other times, women unexpectedly discover positive changes. I would urge you to try to let go of any preconceived ideas about how you orgasm. Just because you never had orgasms from finger- or sex-toy play pre-baby does not mean that you won’t now. I have heard from countless women who found that, post-baby, standby positions didn’t work but new ones did. Or that they never dug oral but now it is their favorite. Keep in mind, too, that most women find that their sex life doesn’t even start to bounce back until six months to a year after birth. Although frequent sex can be fun, I wonder what it might do to your sensation if you went two or three days without sex—would the anticipation build your arousal in a way that might make it easier to orgasm? Also, try talking with your husband. What does he make of his quicker time to ejaculation? Is he feeling pressured to give you an orgasm? Is he worried about waking the baby and feeling rushed? Anxiety (including performance anxiety) can interfere with men’s pleasure and orgasm. Desensitizing condoms may help him last longer. It’s not an ideal long-term solution, but it may help for the time being while you explore your new sexuality together.

Q My wife is going to buy me a sex toy for when she’s not around. I want her to get herself one as well, but she says she would rather have the real thing. How can I convince her to get one?
A I’m not sure what she’s planning to buy, but have you seen the Orgasm in a Box from Babeland ($18)? It’s got a Tenga masturbation sleeve, a cock ring, a bullet vibrator and lube in it. And there’s a female version. That’s not to say that your wife should try sex toys if she’s not interested in them. If your wife isn’t into sex toys, that’s okay. Some women prefer to build their arousal and wait for partnered sex rather than pleasure themselves on their own. Maybe your sex drive is higher than hers and, in recognition of that, she wants to give you a toy so you can create your own pleasure. If the idea of your wife using a toy excites you, consider bringing up the idea of using a toy together. She could use your toy on you (partnered masturbation-sleeve play can be vagina-wettingly hot to be a part of) or you might suggest a couples toy to use together such as Jimmyjane’s vibrating cock ring ($35 at Tulip, 3448 N Halsted St, 773-975-1515). Even if your wife prefers to have the majority of sex with your flesh and your flesh only, she still might be open to using a toy as part of foreplay so long as you reassure her that you don’t mean to pressure her into toy play and you two can transition to other types of sex whenever she wants.

Q We are a middle-aged couple who has always enjoyed a robust, fulfilling sex life. Our perplexing problem is that our friends (even those in committed, “solid” relationships) seem unwilling to talk about this central part of life. We hear about matters being “too personal,” even rude to discuss, but what exactly does that mean? We are not nosy nor interested in anyone divulging secrets. Is this discomfort the result of centuries of religious taboos or really a matter of personal privacy? Everywhere we look, people seem eager for titillation but then they shy away from sincere, intimate conversation among mature friends. Are we off the mark, or should we just assume that most people get nervous when sex is the topic of conversation?
A I agree with you that centuries of sexual taboos have made it very difficult for people to talk openly and honestly about sexual matters. Even among the best of friends (sometimes particularly among the best of friends), good solid sex talk that’s not sensational or gossipy may be hard to come by. But I don’t think that’s the only reason. Not everyone has enjoyed such a “robust, fulfilling” sex life. Some of your friends may not want to talk about their sex lives because they may feel disappointed with them. Other people may be quite happy with their sexual lives but they may genuinely enjoy the privacy of it—not hide behind it. For some people, part of the beauty of a shared sexual life is that it is shared only with their partner(s) and is not visible to the outside world. No one—not even your good friends—owes you a sex talk. If you enjoy talking about sex, consider attending an Early to Bed sex workshop (5232 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-1219) or the monthly “sex +++” film and discussion series held at the Hull House Museum (e-mail ljunkin@uic.edu or call 312-413-5353 for more info).

Q Are there any vitamins that can help penis size?
A I know of no vitamins, minerals or chants that will change a man’s flaccid or erect penis size. The Andropenis device is the only device that has been scientifically shown to enhance penile size—it is a traction device that you clamp onto your penis. To have any efficacy, it needs to be worn regularly under one’s clothing for months, and though there is some long-ish-term data on its safety, you may want to see more data before playing around with your penis in this way. Or not. If you’re thinking about using any product marketed for penis enlargement, please check in with a health-care provider first, as many of these products have no science behind them whatsoever and/or could harm you.