Ask Debby Herbenick | STI fears and virginity frustrations

Q My husband and I enjoy oral sex, but whenever I perform oral sex on him, I have severe throat pain afterward. Can you tell me why this is happening—and if it can be avoided?
A I haven’t heard of throat pain occurring immediately after oral sex, but if this is as consistent as you say, then I would suggest getting checked out by a health-care provider. Some people feel timid talking to their doc about sex but, believe me, doctors see all kinds of sex-related health issues. It’s not unusual for doctors and nurses to have treated men for erectile problems, removed various things from anuses and vaginas that don’t normally belong there (e.g., light bulbs, beer bottles, salad tongs, bananas) and so on. In other words, oral sex—which the vast majority of women and men engage in, by the way—is pretty much par for the course. If you have any other information to give your health-care provider that might help, please do. For example, do you get throat pain from oral sex no matter what? Or is there no pain if you use a condom during oral sex (this might help your health-care provider find out if there’s something about his penis that is irritating your throat, such as yeast on his penis, soap residue or a flavored lubricant)? Is the pain only if he ejaculates in your mouth? Some sexually transmissible infections (STI) can be transmitted during oral sex, and at least one of them (gonorrhea) can cause a sore throat. However, it would be more likely that you would experience that soreness as an ongoing symptom and not just immediately after oral sex.

Q I am a 19-year-old virgin, and my girlfriend and I have been together for five months. We love each other very much and are very comfortable with one another. We tried to have sex a few times, and I have not been able to maintain an erection when it comes time for vaginal insertion. It is very frustrating, and I hate letting her down even though she has been very patient. Any advice?
A Contrary to what many books and movies suggest about First-Time Sex, the reality of devirginizing oneself can be less than picture-perfect. After all, it’s new, so men and women often have questions, concerns and/or anxieties about pleasing each other. The good news is that, for most men, erection problems are influenced by anxiety and stress rather than physical problems. That means it’s unlikely that anything is wrong with your penis; you may just be psyching yourself out as it gets closer to game time. Try to take the pressure to have intercourse off yourselves for the time being. By backtracking to making out and playing around, you may find that your erection actually does come around—perhaps it’s just the pressure of vaginal insertion that feels intimidating. You might talk with each other about your feelings about sex—these types of conversations can help you two to relax. If and when you do try to have sex again, try to relax. Breathe deeply. Focus on things that arouse you. Choose a condom that fits your penis and try putting a water-based lubricant over the condom once it is already on. For more information, check out The Sexual Male: Problems and Solutions (WW Norton, $21.95), a book that many of my guy college students like.

Q My wife and I have been together for a long time. We love each other, we still have sex with each other (besting many of our married friends), but sometimes I want more. I don’t want more in the sense of wanting other women, but I do want some more excitement. I think my wife does, too. Sometimes she hints at desires outside of our marriage. I have been thinking for some time now that I would like for her to explore those desires—I think I would get off knowing she was getting fucked by other men and didn’t care what I thought about it. But I actually do want her to care (I just want the “feeling” that she doesn’t care, if that makes sense). I am terrified of talking about this with her. I don’t want her to think that I don’t love her or that I want to pimp her out to just anybody. Is any of this making sense? How can I talk to her about this?
A No need to worry! You’re not alone. A small number of men (we’re not really sure how many, but certainly some) get aroused by the idea—or the reality—of their wives having sex with other men. Some watch secretly. Some participate. Some let the other guys in on the secret and others stage elaborate schemes that make the men feel that they’ve gotten “caught” by the husband as he walks in on his wife with this other man. If you’re really into this idea and think you might want to talk with your wife about it, you could tell her that you find the idea appealing but are not yet sure whether it’s the fantasy that’s exciting or the reality (some things are way sexier in the mind). If she’s open to considering it, why not read a book together such as Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them (Rowman & Littlefield, $39.95)? At the very least, you two will get a chance to explore the idea of the cuckold lifestyle.

Q As a woman, I feel as if I have been so thoroughly warned/scared about STIs that I now believe having sex and enjoying it equals getting a STI. I am in a serious relationship with someone who’s had many more partners than I have—which, to me, is a red flag for STIs. I fear he has an STI although he assures me he has been tested. When we have sex, I tense up, which leads to pain. Any recommendations besides “relax”?
A There’s a difference between a healthy dose of fear about sexually transmissible infections (STI) and an almost paralyzing fear of them. Unfortunately, your level of trepidation has crossed that line. You could try reading smart books about sex that are reassuring and positive about sexuality and health—books such as Sex for One (Three Rivers Press, $14) and Moregasm (Avery, $22.50). Sharing your fears with friends over wine or beer might help you to feel better; so might getting tested together with your new guy. In the end, most STIs don’t spell doom. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are curable. Most people get HPV, and serious consequences from it are rare. In the U.S., syphilis is rarely found in advanced stages and is also curable. Herpes, while common, won’t kill you and is treatable, thanks to newer medications. And HIV is uncommon and is something we can test for. Life sometimes throws people curveballs: You can get colds from going to work; you can become disabled or killed while driving a car or walking along the street. The best we can all do is take reasonable precautions while living our lives and/or falling in and out of love.