Ask Debby Herbenick | The p-spot and teabagging

Q As a very femme woman, I’ve always been into very butch lesbians. Along with this preference, I like to be fucked hard—vaginally and anally—when my girlfriends have worn a strap-on. I’ve had no problem with my last three girlfriends. My new girlfriend—butch like the others—refuses to wear a strap-on for me. I don’t get it. She’ll lick me, she’ll finger-fuck me (gently, though), but she doesn’t do anything hard or powerful or butch-like in bed. In bed, she’s a total softie. What gives?
A Not everyone’s sex style matches his or her outward appearance, and it’s not just your particular butch girlfriend who’s tricky like that. Some supermacho guys just want to cuddle and make love post-Glee. Some incredibly meek women like to wear black leather chaps and whip their partners into a sexy tizzy. Sure, it can be frustrating if you’re betting your sex life on what someone looks like or acts like in their day-to-day life. But it can also be fun to unpeel people’s outside layers and learn about them. Why does your girlfriend not want to strap on a dildo and drill into one of your orifices? Have you asked her? Maybe she’s not comfortable with those types of power dynamics or maybe the strap-ons she’s tried in the past have been uncomfortable or slipped around and made her feel awkward. Perhaps she’s not into the idea of being somewhat “penis-clad” by wearing a dildo, or maybe she’d rather you wear the strap-on while she lies there and takes it. Try talking with her and seeing if you can create a type of sex play that works for you. Leaf through a book like ,,newlinMoregasm

Q One of my girlfriends was bragging the other night about teabagging her boyfriend. It sounds like a lot of fun, but I’m not sure I get how to do it and I don’t want to look like an idiot if I try it with my boyfriend. Can you teach me to teabag?
A The term teabagging, when applied to sex, refers to a guy resting his scrotum on his partner’s face or in his partner’s mouth. Some couples do this in the 69 position. Others guys squat over their partner’s face while he/she is lying on the bed. In other instances, a man might have his partner kneel in front of him, face up, mouth up, while he slightly squats his scrotum into his partner’s mouth. Fun times, huh? Ball play can be fun. You can try licking around a guy’s entire scrotum. You can blow warm or cool air on it while watching it expand or shrivel based on the temperature (I could do this for hours and not get bored). Some guys like to have their testicles sucked into their partner’s mouth, whereas others find that a little too much. Even gently tugging on the hair on a guy’s scrotum can provide sensations (good or bad—depends on the guy). I may not have the whole universe figured out, but just as Oprah likes to talk about what she knows “for sure,” let me say: What I know for sure is few men will think their partner “looks like an idiot” if she or he is down there touching, licking or sucking his scrotum. So put the self-consciousness aside and ask your guy if he’d be up for some ball play.

Q My girlfriend cannot orgasm from sex. I’ve tried and she says her exes have tried. No dice for any of us. I have offered to go down on her before sex—the “ladies first” approach—but she says she would rather I go down on her after we have sex. We do not use condoms, which means she is asking me to lick her pussy after I have come inside her. Even the idea of it grosses me out. She says that if I want to come inside of her I have to be willing to eat her out afterward. I don’t think that should be the case and have so far refused, which she is insulted by. What am I missing here?
A Do all women place these rules on what men have to do if they come inside their partner’s vagina? No. But it is true that women sometimes use the “if you’re going to come inside me, you have to ____” line—the fill in the blank could be “buy me dinner,” “raise any kids that come from this” or “lick my semen-laced vulva.” So there you have it. You might ask her why this particular exchange is important to her. Does she find it arousing to make you do something you don’t want to do? Does she dislike it when you come inside her and is trying to get you to come elsewhere (her stomach? Your own hand? A towel?) or to go back to using condoms? You two need to talk about this, see what it means, and see where you go from here. Are you open to coming elsewhere? Are you resisting licking your semen or are you resisting her exerting control in this way? These are things to think about and also to talk about.

Q My husband wants me to stimulate his p-spot, but I’m worried my nails will scratch him or I will get poop in the cracks beside my fingernails and not be able to get it out or that the stink will stay with me. What’s the clean way to do this?
A It’s always nice to hear that more men are opening up their perspective, and their butts, to p-spot play. For the uninitiated, the p-spot refers to prostate play. Men’s partners can stimulate the prostate externally (by touching the area between the scrotum and the anus) or internally with fingers, a sex toy or a penis. I do NOT recommend inserting things like bottles, light bulbs, broom handles or salad tongs into the anus (I’ve heard or read about cases in which each of these things have had to be removed in the emergency room after they got stuck). However, fingernails have sometimes scratched people’s anuses, which can be uncomfortable for a day or two afterward. There are also cleanliness concerns; you are certainly not the first, nor will you be the last person, to not want to get poop on your fingers. You can address both concerns by using a barrier device. Try putting a condom or finger cot (both are available at drug stores) over your fingers before stimulating your husband. You could also wear a latex glove, which gives you the option of switching fingers or using more than one finger. Whatever you use, make sure to use plenty of water-based lube and to go slowly, communicating with your husband about his level of comfort and the pace. You’d be wise to try this in a well-lit room so you can check for tearing or blood, especially the first few times. As you’re concerned about cleanliness, you might keep a small trash can nearby so that you can toss the condom, finger cot or glove immediately after you’re done. Check out Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (Down There Press, $17.95) for more-detailed information.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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