Ask Debby Herbenick - How can I last longer in bed?

Q I recently started dating someone who is seven years younger than me (she is in her early thirties). She is an incredible woman and I want to make her happy in every way I can, including in the bedroom. However, with our age difference and since I’ve been out of practice due to my separation/divorce, I can’t last long nor can I recover quickly enough to continue satisfying her, as she is at her sexual prime. How can I quickly recover and how can I make it last longer?
A First, take some of the pressure off yourself. Despite whatever you’ve heard about men having their sexual peak around age 18 and women peaking in their early thirties, it’s not true. People’s sex lives ebb and flow. While erections are easier to come by when men are young, ejaculatory control tends to increase with age (as does satisfaction). For women, vaginal lubrication tends to be at its drippiest in late adolescence and the early twenties, but orgasms get a heck of a lot easier with age and experience, not to mention open-minded woman-loving partners. Every age has its sex pros and cons. I’d suggest talking with your partner about your sex life and finding out what turns her on and what she’d like sex to look and feel like. She may not need as many rounds of sex as you imagine. And you may be able to satisfy her in other ways after Round 1, such as with finger stimulation, vibrator play, oral sex, a strap-on, or lots of cuddling and kissing and weaving a romantic story that she thought she’d only ever hear in the movies. If you don’t ask, you won’t know. Men’s refractory periods—the time between one ejaculation and the possibility of a second round—lengthen with age and we currently don’t have a way of helping men to decrease it and go again, so expanding your sexual repertoire will be helpful. That said, you can learn to enhance your ejaculatory control by reading Coping with Premature Ejaculation (New Harbinger, $14.95).

Q Could sex hurt sometimes because I’m really tight? And can someone’s vagina get smaller? And could that cause sex to hurt?
A Sexual intercourse can hurt or feel uncomfortable if a woman is new to sex, if she feels anxious during sex, or if she is not well-lubricated. When people describe a woman as being “tight,” it’s often the case that the woman is not well-lubricated or that the thing trying to fit inside the vagina (e.g., a penis or sex toy) is on the big side. In rare cases, a woman may truly have a small or short vagina, and this is something a gynecologist can assess during your regular exam. If you have questions about your vaginal size, definitely check in with a gynecologist. I would give you feedback on your vagina myself, but my Vagina-Size Crystal Ball is in the shop. Speaking of vaginal size, vaginas don’t grow smaller—nor do they get bigger and bigger the more sex a woman has, as some people believe. If sex or other types of penetration (e.g., tampon use, gyn exams) often hurt, tell a doctor so he or she can examine you and find a reason for your pain. You might also try using a water-based lubricant on your and your partner’s genitals when you have sex. Even if you feel you’re lubricating well enough, store-bought lubricant can help sex feel more comfortable and pleasurable. It can also be fun to slather some water-based lubricant on one’s breasts and have penis-breast intercourse (some call this “titty fucking”). Not only can it be enjoyable for both partners, but it might give your vagina a break.

Q Almost every time me and my boyfriend of two years have sex, my genitals burn, swell up and get really irritated. This irritation, burning and swelling happens with or without a condom. I don’t know what it could be, and I don’t really want to ask my mom (I’m 16) because she already thinks we have sex constantly. I am on birth control, in case that info helps you solve this.
A Wow, this is a puzzling one. If your vagina were swelling and burning due to a semen allergy, then you should be reacting only during sex without a condom—not when a condom is on the entire time, beginning to end. And if it were a latex allergy, you should be reacting only during sex with a condom (assuming you use latex condoms), not without one. Are you using a lubricant that might be irritating you? Or is there anything else that happens? For example, I once read a medical report about a woman who had ongoing vulvar irritation. After some back and forth with her doctor, it turned out that her husband would read the newspaper in bed at night before they had sex. The newspaper ink would get on his hands, and then he would touch her genitals, and it turned out that she was allergic to something in the ink. So you might ask your partner to wash his hands first, and maybe try having sex again with a condom on him from beginning to end (penis never touches your vagina without one). Try having sex with a polyurethane condom. If you normally have oral sex as part of your sex together, you may try skipping the oral for a time or two, on the off chance that you’re allergic to something in his mouth. That would at least give you some information to give to a doctor—and I do think you should see a doctor who specializes in vulvas and vaginas. Find one near you through issvd.org or nva.org. You can learn more in The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health (Bantam, $17).

Q My wife and I are in our early fifties. She goes completely natural in terms of her pubic hair, and I would be more turned on if she would groom more. I don’t want her to be completely shaved, but I would be more aroused if I could see more of her genitals when we’re being intimate. When we were young, nobody did all the things to their pubic hair that I read about now. I don’t want to offend my wife, but how can I ask her to groom?
A There’s nothing wrong with feeling aroused by seeing your wife’s vulva. Letting your wife know why you’d like her to trim her pubic hair may get her on board. After all, some women have a perception that men want them to shave in order to look like a porn star or a prepubescent girl. Next time you’re talking about your sex lives and what you like or would like more of, let her know that you sometimes wish you could see more of her genitals because you find them sexy. Ask if she might consider trimming in ways that frame her clitoris or her labia or whatever other parts you want to catch a glimpse of. Or ask if you might trim together, and then bathe or have sex together. Just as a man’s lips can get lost in an untamed beard, men’s and women’s genitals can disappear beneath untrimmed pubic hair. For some couples, that’s half the fun as they wade through the hair and find the parts they long to touch. Others, like you, want a preview and it’s okay to want that and to talk about it (and it’s also okay for her to decline).

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.