Ask Debby Herbenick | She wants me to tug on her pubes

Q My new girlfriend keeps her pubic hair kind of long because she says she likes to pull on it when she masturbates. Does this mean she’s into pain or masochism? I’ve never heard of pulling on pubic hair for sex reasons before, only pulling on hair, like pulling a girl’s ponytail during doggie style. Should I try rougher things with her next time, like spanking her or hitting her?
A Your new girlfriend may or may not like things rough and she may or may not be into pain or masochism (two things that are not necessarily the same thing, as one can be into pain but prefer inflicting it rather than feeling it; also one can enjoy occasional painful sensations but not identify as being into masochism). All we know, based on your description, is that she likes to pull on her pubic hair when she masturbates. She might only tug it a little bit rather than pull it in a painful way. She may like rubbing her fingers around in her hair, pulling at it generally rather than pulling individual hairs out. As such, I wouldn’t take her pubic-hair pulling as a directive to do anything painful to her unless she asks for it. That said, light spanking and hair pulling are toward the vanilla side of the sex rainbow, so you can probably try those things without worrying too much about how she will react, as long as you go lightly and watch and listen carefully for her reaction. You could also try talking about sex and asking her what she likes. Perhaps she’d be up for showing you how she tugs her pubic hair during masturbation?

Q My boyfriend and I have been on and off and on and off again. We recently decided to give it another try. We decided we wanted to kick things up a notch and posted some ads online to try to find a threesome partner. We found a great girl, traded pics with her and decided to meet for drinks. All went well and we brought her back to my place. That’s when the magic began. We got along so well and had a great time, and ever since she and I have been texting and talking on the phone and have hooked up twice on our own. I notice I’m not as into my boyfriend anymore. All I think about is her and I avoid hanging out with him. He has no idea we’ve been seeing each other after the initial threesome. Could I really be a lesbian? Or am I bi? I originally got into the threesome more for his sake than mine, but it worked out really well and has my head spinning now.
A If you end up liking women only and not men anymore (as opposed to “just not that particular man”), then you may indeed come to identify as a lesbian. More likely, I would guess, based on the very limited information I have about your life, is that you have the capacity to be attracted to people of both sexes. Pioneeringly awesome sex researcher Alfred Kinsey believed that more women and men would be bisexually active if there wasn’t so much societal pressure to behave heterosexually. He thought that, although some people were exclusively heterosexual (the zeroes of the world) and some were exclusively homosexual (the sixes of the world), most of us would be somewhere in between on this 0-to-6 scale, with the threes being those who are pretty equally into men and women. (The Kinsey Institute actually sells baseball-style T-shirts for $30 that showcase one’s “Kinsey Scale” number from 0 to 6; to purchase your number shirt and wear it with pride, visit kinseyinstitute.org and click on the gift-shop link.) But let’s step away from your focus on your sexual orientation for a moment, shall we? I mean, what are you doing with this guy? If you are supposed to be giving it another try, then you should either truly give it another try or be honest and tell him you’re not into him, rather than stringing him along while you secretly have sex with and text and whisper sweet nothings to your new lady friend. Dishonesty is neither a good way to end an existing relationship nor a good way to begin a new one.

Q I am 20 years old; when I was sexually involved with my ex, he would remove his penis from my vagina and say that I was “so open.” I never thought anything of it, but now I want to know what it meant. Is there anything I should worry about?
A I have never heard anyone describe a vagina as “open” before, so it’s not as if the “open vagina” means some ominous fabled kind of thing. Do you think he meant loose, as in roomy? If so, ugh. I mean, really. You probably already know that some people are insensitive or even cruel. If he cannot feel anything inside your vagina, then maybe he should grow a larger penis. But he can’t, you might be thinking in his defense. We’ll, that’s true. But neither can you change the size of your vagina. Besides, something people don’t often know about the vagina is that sometimes it feels big simply because a woman gets super excited and lubricates like crazy, which decreases friction, and then that frictionless feeling ends up making the vagina feel bigger or, I guess, more “open.” Many men and women would pay big money to have wetness like that. There is nothing wrong with you for being sexually responsive and into sex, or for being 20 (even in one’s mid-twenties, wetness isn’t quite what it once was at 16 or 20, I’m sad to say—thank goodness for store-bought lube and patient lovers). If you ever want to decrease your wetness so you or your partner can feel more, simply dab the outside parts of your genitals with a towel and then get back to business. It’s a favorite trick of mine, and I hope you use it in good health and good sex.

Q I just got the bad news that I am HPV positive, and I’ve been reading about it online. My question is: Will I never be available to enjoy oral sex again?
A While I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and that you’re feeling bad about it, you’re actually now part of a club that boasts tens of millions of Americans—even if most of them don’t know it. The human papillomavirus (HPV) affects 60 percent or more of sexually active adults. That’s a heck of a lot of people. Most people never experience noticeable symptoms related to HPV. Some women get abnormal Pap test results that often, but not always, indicate HPV infection. Other times, men or women notice genital warts, which are also linked to HPV. The wonderful news is that people with HPV can indeed have pleasurable, fun, hot, sexy, delicious sex lives. They can have oral sex, vaginal sex and anal sex. They can play with sex toys, handcuffs, lock each other in cages, flog one another or lick whipped cream off each other’s bodies. However, some pre-sex conversations might change. You may want to tell your present/future partners that you have HPV and even suggest a website if they want to learn more. Condoms reduce the risk of transmitting HPV; you and your partners may want to ask a doctor about whether an HPV vaccine is a good choice.