Channeler surfing

For someone to have a spiritual experience at Excalibur, the easy assumption is that it takes a comely shot girl, plenty of Jagermeister and the right amount of thumping bass. After all, the famed nightclub is known as a house of hookups, not a house of holy happenings. But go on a Friday night and the in-house psychic promises to change all that.

Intrigued, I decided to test the supernatural waters. I met with Excalibur's medium-in-residence and three other psychics to see if their readings were a Halloween trick or a treat. I asked all of them the same questions about love (Will my husband and I stay together forever? Will we have children?); health (How long will I live?); and lifestyle (What will my lifestyle be like in 15 years? Will I find professional satisfaction?); and told them all I am 29, married, work as a writer and have no children. Only the future will tell if they were right or wrong, but in the meantime, their answers speak for themselves:

Pendulum reading: Neil Tobin
Pendulum readings are guided by the subconscious. Clients hold a pendulum—a weighted object attached to a chain—ask yes or no questions, and let their intuition make it move. If the pendulum swings in a straight line, the answer is no: if it spins in a circle, the answer is yes.

I met Tobin, who typically performs at corporate and group events, at Excalibur (632 N Dearborn St at Ontario St, 312-266-1944) following his weekly Supernatural Chicago show (www.supernaturalchicago.com). He put a long silver chain with a heavy silver skull in my right hand, positioned my arm up and out to the side, and sat back while I asked questions. Tobin typically sees 12 clients an hour and charges about $250 for the group. Readings are free with $25 admission to Supernatural Chicago.
Love: [Will my husband and I stay together?] "No." [Will I have children?] "Yes."
Health: [Will I have a long life?] "Yes."
Lifestyle: [Will I find professional satisfaction?] "Yes."
Trick or treat: Trick. This was something I could do at home. Tobin didn't provide any interpretation, and it seems a pendulum can be anything remotely heavy on a long chain.

Tarot: Madame Lena
Tarot-card readers use a deck of 78 illustrated cards representing different forces of nature and human behaviors to offer insight about the future. The cards are arranged in a specific pattern (varying reading styles utilize different patterns), and readers infer meanings based on images and positioning.

I met Madame Lena in her disappointingly banal second-story digs (1815 N Clybourn Ave between Wisconsin and Willow Sts, 773-248-1938). I imagine a psychic's office to look like the off-campus house of the pothead I dated in college, but Lena's shop may as well have been my parents' living room—not a celestial wall hanging in sight. I sat down at the table, Lena shuffled the deck, arranged the cards in a circle and spent 15 minutes answering my questions. Tarot readings cost $35 and average 20 minutes.
Love: "You and your husband will stay together, with some stronger communication. I see there have been some changes and there is some frustration there, but he is a stable influence in your life. You'll have four children."
Health: "You've been dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, but you seem to be taking care of your body, and I see that you are a healthy person. You should live a long, healthy life."
Lifestyle: "In four years you will find professional contentment. Be patient in matters of work."
Trick or treat: Trick. The cards could say anything the person wanted them to, and the answers seemed terribly universal, like they could apply to anyone.

Clairvoyance: Todd Kiech
Clairvoyants operate on the premise that we each have "subtle energies" that compose our "life force." Each energy has a layer with a color, shape, consistency and clarity that determines its interpretation. Kiech teaches clairvoyance at InVision (3340 N Clark St at Buckingham Pl, 773-528-2830, www.invisionspirit.com), a school that focuses on meditation, healing and other services.

I stepped into a serene room in the Wrigleyville school, and Kiech instructed me to sit on a chair, place my feet on the floor and put my hands in my lap. He sat across from me, removed his glasses and started talking. I couldn't ask specific questions, but most subjects were covered as we discussed each aura layer. Professional readings cost $75 and last 60 minutes; 90-minute student readings are $25.
Love: "The aura layer dealing with emotions, sexuality and love revealed a vibrant yellow with some green, [which means that] turmoil and sadness are present but there is healing taking place. Most of the healing is forgiveness of self."
Health: "The layer indicating health and well-being revealed a bright green with a vibrant yellow behind it. The green seems to symbolize the subject's need for everyone around her to think everything is just fine, but inside there are big changes taking place."
Lifestyle: "The layer discussing professional abilities reveals a violet-purple. The subject feels at home with what she does and is proud of her abilities. She feels she is a success at her chosen field."
Trick or treat: Treat. After getting over the discomfort of sitting in a room with a stranger who says he sees a bright magenta color around me, I started to relax and enjoy it. Some of the things rang incredibly true and the process seemed more spiritual than anything else. I really felt he was picking up my vibes.

Tele-psychic: Ruth Berger
There's more to phone fortune-telling than Miss Cleo. Ruth Berger (847-391-8084, www.ruthberger.com) uses a telephone and a photograph to perform spirit communication, past-life regression and intuitive coaching. I e-mailed her a headshot from a recent night out, settled into my office chair and called her for a reading. Berger's readings start at $150 and typically run 45 minutes.
Love: "Your husband is no match for you. It's hard to be as quick as you, and you're very psychic. But God, does he love you. You're clearly his life. But for you it's a different kind of love than it is for him. You're not as dependent on him as he is on you. I see two children, first a girl and then a boy. If the second child is not a boy then she will be a tomboy and he or she will represent you more than the first."
Health: "In terms of your health, you don't know how to relax. Your spine is where I see your problems, and you've got a lot of discomfort in the head. This is due to how out of your body you are when you're writing, so you don't pay attention to the cues your body gives off that it's in pain during that time. You might want to contact someone for adjustments because you'll have this for years to come."
Lifestyle: "I think your writing will get national and perhaps international recognition in a few years."
Trick or treat: Treat. Berger's method revealed the most specific and unique details of the four I sampled. She knew my mother had passed away and that my husband has stomach problems—even though neither of them was in the picture I sent her.