Cheesy does it

Kick off your kitsch road trip with a two-and-a-half hour drive to so-cute-you'll-almost-choke New Glarus , about 25 miles south of Madison in south central Wisconsin. The tiny town honors its Swiss heritage by making all of its buildings look like Swiss chalets—even the bank. Like all the food here, it's a little cheesy, but its charm will soon win you over.

Chow down on—what else?—Swiss food at Glarner Stube (518 1st St, New Glarus; 608-527-2216), where you can wolf down beer-battered cheese curds, Wiener schnitzel and fondue. Guys who've downed too many beers, don't miss the bathroom, which boasts the "Midwest's largest urinal." Grab a postdinner drink at Puempel's (pronounced "pimples") Olde Tavern (18 6th Ave, New Glarus; 608-527-2045) and amuse yourself with blemish jokes ("Pop in to Puempel's! It's bursting with beer!") while you admire ye olde touches of the 112-year-old tavern, including the original cherry bar and giant murals painted in 1913. Keep on chugging at the New Glarus Hotel Restaurant (100 6th Ave, New Glarus; 608-527-5244), which features a sunken bar, lots of knotty pine, $3 mixed drinks and, when we visited, a yodeler and accordion/alpine-horn player.

The town's best attraction by far is the New Glarus Brewery (119 Cty Trk W, New Glarus; 608-527-5850), where you can take a free audio tour and sample the award-winning brews (three 3-ounce glasses for $3.50). The beer—especially the sweet, cask-conditioned Spotted Cow—is so addictive you'll swear the stuff is brewed with poppies. Buy a case; you can't get this beer outside Wisconsin. Rest your bleary head at the Chalet Landhaus Inn (801 Hwy 69, New Glarus; 608-527-5234), done up to resemble—you guessed it—a chalet. It's clean, comfy and just $95 to $135 a night.

If the Landhaus's Swiss Miss vibe isn't hilarious enough for you, head about 40 miles northwest to Dodgeville's Don Q Inn (3658 State Rd 23 N, Dodgeville; 608-935-2321), a place you gotta see to believe. The barbershop lounge chairs in the lobby are a good clue of kitsch to come in the rooms at this bizarre hotel, where every suite has a different theme. Get a standard room ($70–$100) and soak in the 300-gallon former cheese-vat tubs (huge copper tubs that are filled with water, not Velveeta). Or splurge, as we did, on the "Jungle Safari FantaSuite" ($149–$199), done up tolook like a hut on the Kenyan savannah. If you're in an especially saucy mood, snatch up the "Swinger" suite ($105–$125), which features a queen-size bed suspended from the ceiling. But if you really want to live the high life, blow your gas money on a two- or three-floor Deluxe FantaSuite ($174–$224) like the hot-air balloon–themed "Up, Up, & Away!" or the intergalactic quarters of the "Tranquility Base."

If you manage to extricate yourself from your swinging bed without serious injury, head 20 miles north to one of Wisconsin's most notorious oddities, The House on the Rock (5754 Hwy 23, 608-935-3639), ten miles south of the small town of Spring Green. Designed and built by Alex Jordan on a 60-foot boulder overlooking the Wyoming Valley, the house is composed of 14 incredibly low-ceilinged rooms initially purposed as a retreat for Jordan to study art. During the course of the house's 15-year construction, Jordan started charging gawkers 50 cents (admission is $19.50 now), financing what is now a 200-acre estate. There's an entire room devoted to organs, a half-block-long 19th-century streetscape re-creation and, weirdest of all, "The Heritage of the Sea" room, complete with a life-size Disneyesque whale. There's even a "Pizza Atrium" midway through the tour, but we recommend bypassing the crowds and catching brunch back in town.

Head to the Spring Green General Store (37 S Albany St, Spring Green; 608-588-7070) for a perfect Swiss scramble, potato pancakes or Belgian waffles, served cafeteria-style. At the end of the day, The House on the Rock Resort (400 S Springs Dr, Spring Green; 800-822-7774), unlike the eponymous attraction, is a peaceful retreat with roomy suites ($195–$205 a night). Surrounded by acres of golf courses and overflowing with swimming pools and other amenities, it's simple in decor, but is plenty comfy for unwinding.

Relaxed? Good. Now it's time to test your clown-tolerance level. The signage for Baraboo's Circus World Museum (550 Water St, Baraboo; 866-693-1500) begins miles outside this small town for two reasons: It's a spectacle, and there's little else to do there. Less of a museum and more of a living nightmare for coulrophobic (go ahead, Google it) kids of all ages, Circus World provides a glimpse of the Ringling Bros.' three-ring days of yore. Located on the brothers' former off-season headquarters along a picturesque stretch of the Baraboo River, the exhibition buildings house vintage costumes, paraphernalia and video documentaries detailing stories of past circus performers. Across the river, on the opposite bank, the museum stages daily big-top performances (including one with trained tigers), and if you've got kids with you, they'll dig the face painting and pony and elephant rides.

Smart circusgoers skip the museum's sketchy Cookhouse Grill and head into town for a sumptuous sandwich at Little Village Cafe (146 4th Ave, Baraboo; 608-356-2800). Start with a cup of cream of spinach soup, order a hearty yellowfin-tuna sandwich, and polish it off with a chocolate pecan walnut tart.You've managed to escape Circus World without being torn limb-from-limb by crazed clowns. Reward yourself by driving 75 miles north, past the Wisconsin Dells, past the sign for Cruisin' Chubby's Gentleman's Club, to Sparta. This town claims to be the "Bicycling Capital of America," and while the bike trails are great (see "Good sports," page 20), kitsch connoisseurs stop in Sparta for another reason: giant fiberglass creatures .

FAST Corp. (14177 County Hwy Q, Sparta; 608-269-7110) makes water-park equipment, animal and food replicas, and other huge statues, and scatters hundreds of them all over its sprawling lawn. Headless horses, a red-eyed skull, dismembered elephants, a 20-foot Abe Lincoln lying on his back, orating to the sky: Some of these statues are colorful and shiny, ready to be shipped to their new owners; others are dilapidated, weather-beaten and unpainted. It's free to stroll the grounds, but a sign warns you not to climb on the creatures, andto be wary of bees that build nests in the statues' nooks and crannies. Gawk with your mouth closed.

Your hunger for gazing at giant animals now sated, you can take care of your grumbling stomach at Ginny's Cupboard (127 N Water St, Sparta; 608-269-6669). Featuring a functioning soda fountain from 1957, this breakfast/lunch spot offers sandwiches on fluffy, freshly baked bread, soup, chili, ice cream, an espresso bar and 40 kinds of phosphates.

You still have more absurdly large things to see, and you only have to drive 30 miles to get there. When you arrive, you'll pinch yourself: Are you dreaming, or are you really seeing the world's largest six-pack of beer ? Not only are they real, but those "cans," standing tall in the Mississippi River town of LaCrosse, are filled with 688,200 gallons of beer. They're part of City Brewery (925 S Third St, LaCrosse; 608-785-4820), and it's just a buck for a tour of the brewery, which makes beers such as City Lager, LaCrosse Lager and KUL—available in Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin and parts of northern Illinois (not so much in Chicago). You'll learn all sorts of important information: Those giant beer cans are krauesening tanks, and if you drank a case of that beer a day, it would take 120 years to drain just one of the tanks.

By now you've accumulated more cheese, beer and sausage than you can keep cold in your cooler. Luckily, there's the GrandStay LaCrosse (525 Front St N, LaCrosse; 608-796-1615), an all-suite hotel with rooms that have kitchens, including full-size fridges ($129–$139 a night). A cheaper option: The dog-friendly Welch Motel (3643 Mormon Coulee Rd,LaCrosse; 608-788-1300), run by young couple Randy and Michelle Hannemann, is clean and no-frills, and a steal at $34–$56 a night. Across the street from the GrandStay is the local favorite Freight House Restaurant (107 Vine St, LaCrosse; 608-784-6211), a former, uh, freight house that specializes in priceyish seafood and steaks and has a great wine list. Bars are not hard to find in this area, the home of theUniversity of Wisconsin-La Crosse: They're all clustered downtown, and the booze is seriously cheap. Don't miss swank '60s lounge Starlite (222 Pearl St, LaCrosse; 608-796-0905) and beer-lovers' dive Bodega Brew Pub (122 4th St S, LaCrosse; 608-782-0677).