Bride's dread revisited

Practice what they preach
I come from a large Catholic family that is accustomed to huge weddings with lots of booze and a party atmosphere. However, one cousin went all “born again” and married a preacher. The reception lacked a bar. My uncles assumed this was an oversight and drove to the nearest liquor store to “solve the problem.” The bride and groom were horrified when the booze showed up, and they let it be known. The reception was totally cleared out before the clock struck 9pm.
Lesson learned: Respect the bride and groom’s wishes and don’t try to douse a dry wedding. But, couples-to-be shouldn’t ignore the golden rule of successful wedding receptions: open bar = happy guests.

Last dance of Mary Jane
I know a bride who put her sister in charge of bringing a boom box to play a recorded version of the wedding march. But her sister was so high that she forgot it. The bride’s grandfather ended up pulling his pickup onto the lawn, rolling the windows down and blasting the music from inside the truck. Classy.
Lesson learned: Just because they are family doesn’t mean they can be trusted. If you know your best man is forgetful and your maid of honor is a flake, relieve them of their duties ahead of time and pick someone dependable to oversee essentials like rings, music and wedding licenses.

La wedding LOCA
I once attended a wedding at a large Greek community center. Unbeknownst to the couple, a quinceañera had been booked in an adjacent room for the same time. The music coming through the paper-thin walls was so loud—Ricky Martin, accordions, the works—it completely drowned out the ceremony. Furious, the groom’s sister finally stormed out of the wedding halfway through the exchange of vows to tell the DJ to turn it down. Guess what: He refused. And the (failed) negotiations took so long, she missed most of the ceremony.
Lesson learned: Before you commit to a venue, ask if any other group has booked the same night. Certain events—say, a gun show or porn convention—and those who attend them may rub you and your guests the wrong way.

Fake ’n’ bake
My husband and I got married in a fancy New Orleans hotel. We ordered a red-velvet cake for the reception. What we got was a yellow cake that could have been made from a box and had been dyed with bright red food coloring. It was so red it glowed. We didn’t want to complain because the cake was free with the wedding package, but red-velvet cake is a Southern recipe, so we were shocked that the staff didn’t know how to make it!
Lesson learned: If anything on your menu (a signature drink, a tricky dessert) requires extra flair or gourmet knowledge, make sure the catering staff has been informed.

Tootsie toast
One of the groom’s childhood friends, who had obviously availed herself of the open bar, got up and made a speech declaring how happy she was that her pal had found himself a nice girl, considering how much he had enjoyed dressing up in girls clothes when he was a little boy and how he let her put makeup on him when they were teenagers. That was bad enough, but to top it off, she got back up a few minutes later to try and clear things up.Lesson learned: If you accidentally ramble your way into a speech that lacks discretion, end it quickly with a traditional (and safe) toast to the couple’s happiness.

Do me no favors
My husband and I splurged on Vosges chocolates as wedding favors for our guests. As you might know, they’re not cheap. After dinner, as many of our guests were dancing or mingling, the nimrod service staff went about clearing the tables and dumped all of the chocolates in the trash with the leftover food. I could have killed somebody.
Lesson learned: Keep favors at a table near the door for guests to grab on their way out. And make sure all waitstaff knows what can be ditched and what needs to stay (including flower arrangements and table decorations, which have also been known to end up in a Dumpster by mistake).

Drunk and disorderly
At my sister’s wedding, one of my brothers got really drunk. My sister asked the bartender to cut him off, but he continued to serve him. My sister got really upset, and my brother ended up punching her in the face. Her new husband had to put him in a choke hold to calm him down and keep him away from the bride.
Lesson learned: Let your bartender know that just because this is a wedding, that doesn’t mean normal rules don’t apply, and vest him with the power to decide when someone has had too much. You shouldn’t have to spend your reception baby-sitting your guests.

No Dice
In the early ’90s, I was a groomsman in a friend’s wedding. When it came time for the best man to make his speech, he took off his tux coat and donned a leather jacket. Then he slicked back his hair with a comb and lit a cigarette in the fashion of then-popular comedian Andrew Dice Clay. A full-on Clay routine followed. After the third time he said “cock,” the mother of the bride got up and left. The f-bombs kept dropping for a good ten minutes. The bride was mortified. Finally, the maid of honor took the mike and gave a nice, sappy speech. On her way back to her seat she said to the best man, “That’s how you’re supposed to do it, dipshit.”
Lesson learned: Just because you think it’s funny doesn’t mean it’s appropriate. Run your speech by at least three people (of varying gender) before the big day. Need help? Try www.speeches.com or www.ultimatespeeches.com. All you have to do is plug in a few personal details and a program writes the speech for you.

Bloody Mary, anyone?
Before my wedding, when the catering staff was setting up the bar, a bunch of glasses came crashing down. The bartender cut his hand, but he still insisted on serving. It seemed fine until a couple of guests noticed spots of blood on their martini glasses—just what I had always dreamed of.
Lesson learned: Make sure your catering staff has extra people on call in case of emergencies, and designate someone (your maid of honor or best man) to be the go-between for the catering staff to spare you the dirty details.

“Minor” complication
When I was 26, I was a groomsman for one of my college buddies. Since I didn’t know most of the people in the wedding party, I asked one of the other groomsmen which of the girls in the wedding party were unattached, so I could stay out of trouble on the dance floor. I mentioned that the maid of honor was pretty cute. To which he said, “No boyfriend or husband. But she is the 16-year-old daughter of the bride, so you might want to stay away from that.” Good thing I asked.
Lesson learned: Just because Vince and Owen did it doesn’t mean you can. Bagging a bridesmaid (or a groomsman) is tricky business, since most of them are either family or close friends. Do your research or you could lose your friends and gain a criminal record.

Muy caliente
I attended a bilingual wedding where every single part of the ceremony was translated into Spanish, making it twice as long. The kicker? It was an outside wedding and it was at least 95 degrees. The bride and groom were shaded by a little hut, but all the guests were in the direct sun. There were tons of side conversations during the ceremony because people were bored and hot.
Lesson learned: Keep your ceremony to a humane length, especially if your guests are going to be standing or experiencing extreme temperatures. If you do want a bilingual ceremony, save the double-speak for the vows only, and do the rest in one language. Your guests will get the gist and thank you for it.

See you in hell
I had an engaged friend who moved her wedding date up because she got pregnant. Since it wasn’t exactly a shotgun wedding, everybody was kind and discreet about it—except the Catholic priest who married them, who decided to mention the pregnancy during his homily, after which he went on a tirade about how Disney films were destroying our moral character.
Lesson learned: If a church can screen you before it agrees to marry you, then why aren’t you screening your officiant? Make it clear that you want to keep hellfire and brimstone (or any preaching of any kind) out of the ceremony. If your religious leader is not on board, then consider getting someone else.

Raw deal
At Armenian weddings, a common dish is seasoned raw hamburger meat. At the reception of the last wedding I went to, a couple of my uncles kept eating the raw hamburger for several hours (definitely past the time you would want to eat raw meat that has been sitting out) and ended up spending the rest of the night puking in the bathroom stall of the reception hall.
Lesson learned: Tradition or not, steer clear of dishes that have health and safety risks. If you must serve a risky food, be sure that your waitstaff or your printed menu informs guests as to how the food was prepared.