No boat? No problem.

Let’s face it, the best way to soak up the city’s biggest summer spectacles—the 3rd of July fireworks, Venetian Night, the Air and Water Show—is aboard a boat, far away from the sweaty masses on the lakefront. You’ve never really experienced fireworks until you’ve ooohed and aaahed directly beneath the orgiastic display of color and light.

Unfortunately, this is the time of year when our population is cruelly divided between haves and have-nots—between those who have access to a boat, and those still waiting for permission to board. For those in the second category, it’s time to join the lucky ones: We’ll show you how to get your landlubber ass onto someone else’s boat.

On Wednesday nights at Belmont (3600 N Recreation Dr, 312-742-7673) and Monroe (100 N Harbor Dr, 312-742-7673) Harbors, captains hit the docks to hone their skills (and down a few cold ones) during the weekly Beer Can Regatta Series. Get there by 5:30pm, about an hour before race time, and ask around to see if anyone needs extra crew. Don’t worry if you’ve never stepped on a boat; some captains prefer you be a blank slate—the better to brainwash you into doing things their way.

“Any sailor will tell you, one of the biggest problems they have is finding reliable crew,” says Ronan Adams, manager of Chicago Sailing based at Belmont Harbor. “If you turn up with a case of beer, you can probably get on a boat. Some people require some experience, some require a lot, some require none.”Those aspiring to be more than just “weight on the rail” can fork over $400 for Chicago Sailing’s weeklong Basic Sailing 101 class (www.chicagosailing.com/ibasic.html), where you’ll learn the difference between a hitch knot and a bow line, and a spinnaker and a jib sail, and you’ll go over docking and motor operation. Once you’ve got your sea legs, you can post a profile on the Sailor’s Forum (www.chicagosailing.com). This is basically the sailor’s equivalent of Internet dating, an online community where owners troll for crew.

Of course, many boating enthusiasts are also horny males, so the fairer sex has another option for getting on a sweet sailboat: “A bikini will get you on in a hurry,” says David Cella, who docks his 37-footer, Casa del Mar, at Burnham Harbor (1559 S Lake Shore Dr, 312-747-7009).

Once you’re deemed seaworthy and you want to ensure your maiden voyage isn’t your last, the key is to ingratiate yourself with the captain. One rule: wear white-bottomed shoes—anal-retentive boat owners hate it when their decks are scuffed up by improper footwear (i.e., heels are always a bad idea). And while some captains claim gifts aren’t necessary, alcohol is always welcome. But don’t bring glass bottles, as bloody feet on the deck is another no-no. And don’t gulp down too much of whatever you bring, as you’ll need your wits (and balance) to help out on deck.

If you really want to make an impression, study the day’s conditions before you hit the lake—hanging with sailors is the one occasion when talking about the weather isn’t code for “I have nothing interesting to say.” The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration site (www.noaa.com) is a meteorological gold mine, and can help you bust out a stellar conversation-starter such as: “With the barometric pressure at 30.2 inches, and the north winds at 10 to 20 knots, I could easily see the waves cresting at three to five feet by this afternoon. Luckily, the probability of precipitation is 20 percent and isolated.”

But most important, be ready to prove your worth, even if it’s just pulling in the fenders (those cushiony bumpers that protect the boat from damage) as you pull away from the dock. In other words, pitch in and don’t gripe about it.

“Some people come out and say, ‘My God, this is a lot of work,’” Cella says. “But that’s what it’s all about…. If you’re going to mooch your way onto a boat, don’t bitch.”

If you’re desperate…
…here are some pay-to-play excursions that will get you out on the lake this summer.

Chicago Sailing Fireworks CruisesCheck out the rockets’ red glare from the water: Chicago Sailing’s fun-loving captains host sunset party cruises from Belmont Harbor to Navy Pier every Wednesday and Saturday night for the fireworks extravaganzas. (773-871-SAIL, www.chicagosailing.com/fireworks.html; $85–$110 per person)

Rent a sailboat
If you know how to captain a boat but you don’t have the dough to buy one, contact Sail Chicago and they’ll hook you up. It’s not easy—you have to become a member, take some classes, pass some tests, and help maintain the boats. But hey, do you want to get on the water or not? (312-409-9600, www.sailchicago.org; annual membership $75–$125)

Tall Ships Chicago 2006
Don’t miss the chance to belt out sea shanties aboard these appropriately named 1800s-style sailing vessels at Navy Pier during this festival, August 3–9. (312-595-5555, www.tallshipschicago.net; $27 adults, $20 for kids under 12)

Charter a yacht
Want someone else to do the steering while you check out the skyline? Call Fantasy Cruises to rent a 72-foot boat to take you and 48 friends around the lake. Hell, you can even get married on the damn thing. (773-224-2783, www.chicagocruises.net; prices depend on number of passengers)

Architecture River Cruise
While it won’t technically get you out on the lake, this voyage is so chock-full of great Chicago factoids, that even the Dave Matthews shitstorm from a few years back shouldn’t stop you from booking a trip. (312-902-1500, www.cruisechicago.com; $25 weekdays, $27 weekends and holidays)

Water Taxi Lake Route
Hoofing it from Navy Pier to the Shedd is a pleasant-enough stroll, but why not hail a lakefront water taxi instead? (312-222-9328, www.shorelinesightseeing.com; $6 one-way weekday, $7 weekend)—Rod O’Connor