Olympic trials

Yay, we’re hosting the 2016 Olympics! Wait, what? We have to wait two years to find out if we’re the Olympic city? Damn. Well, that gives us time to hone our skills in these urban sports we want to introduce at the Games.

El Maneuvering
Strategy As a Blue Line train approaches the Damen station at approximately 8am on a Tuesday, competitors must first use great force to elbow their way through the crowd of pissy office workers to get to the edge of the platform. Courtesy is not for winners, so competitors must shove aside people who attempt to disembark as soon as the train doors open. Judges award points to athletes who, once inside the assholes-to-elbows–packed train, are multitalented enough to balance on one toenail, hold onto the pole with one finger, read TheNew Yorker and sip a latte at the same time.

Go for the gold True competitors know all decorum goes out the window in this free-for-all. Is your elbow repeatedly rubbing against the breast of an indignant receptionist? Are you pushed up against a transient whose urine-soaked clothes produce a stench that would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon? Too bad. The top finishers stay where they are, no matter the cost to personal dignity.

Cross-Traffic Parking
Strategy Traveling in a car on crowded Clark Street in Lincoln Park, the competitor must have an eagle eye to spot a parking space on the opposite side of the street. Judges will look for spry, foxlike reflexes; points will be deducted for arguing with passengers about whether the vehicle will indeed fit in the space or whether there’s a better spot closer to the restaurant. The most difficult maneuver in this sport is also the most daring: The athlete must complete a full U-turn into oncoming traffic, and will lose points if the car must be put into reverse to correct its direction and make the turn. Once the competitor is upon the space, only one fluid parking motion is allowed.

Go for the gold Judges award extra points for difficulty if pre–U-turn oncoming traffic is approaching faster than a cougar chasing a frat rat. Judges also look for a driver’s ability to silence dissenting passengers with a decisive “Shut the hell up while I work my craft.”

Outdoor Incognito Urinating
Strategy Stumbling home after a long night of tossing back copious Bud Lights and listening to a shitty jam band at Wrigleyville SummerFest, the Outdoor Incognito Urinating athlete must find a protected hideaway to relieve himself. Points will be awarded based on the difficulty of the chosen location to void. Behind a Dumpster in an alley, for example, is too expected and easy. A darkened doorstep of a home whose occupants are awake is considered far more challenging. True competitors may attempt the ultimate feat of eliminating on a police car, but the Chicago Olympic Commission has declared that it is not responsible for any athlete’s bail money.

Go for the gold Style points are awarded to competitors who can dial their friend-with-benefits while maintaining a long, accurate and steady arc.

Mustache Sculpting
Strategy This fast-paced competition pits facially hirsute athletes against one another in a race to determine who can hew the most spectacular ’stache. Competitors start with a bushy, scraggly mess of lip fur, then prune it down into a series of styles whose execution increases in difficulty with each round. First round: Columbian Exposition (a.k.a. the Featherduster), a long, luxurious mustache that completely obscures the top lip. Second round: Ditka (a.k.a. the Porn Star), a lovingly and meticulously trimmed ode to the heyday of mustaches, the mid-’80s. Third and final round: Ironic Ukrainian Village dude (a.k.a. the Prickstache), a wispy hint of a ’stache that, like a hipster’s purposely disheveled attire, must convey an I-don’t-care-what-you-think-of-me-except-that-I-really-do attitude.

Go for the gold Dogs, cats and women are welcome to compete, and could snag a medal by winning over the judges with their against-all-odds perseverance.

Spot Nabbing at Outdoor Film Fest
Strategy Spot Nabbing isn’t a physical sport, but athletes in this competition must show steadfastness in the face of adversity. The most points go to competitors who have the audacity to arrive less than ten minutes before the film starts and schlep large amounts of gear (including a candelabra, fried chicken meal, and table and chairs). Competitors must possess a keen eye, enabling them to detect a thimble-size patch of grass in the growing twilight. Judges also will look for skills in negotiation, namely, convincing people who arrived two hours earlier to move their blankets so the competitor can spread his futon mattress on the grass then grandly sit his ass down.

Go for the gold Athletes can win style points by employing this tactic: After spreading out their accoutrements and displacing and annoying their neighbors, they loudly announce the film sucks, pack up their gear and leave in a great huff.