Find an event
Mustache maven
Zach Dodson, TOC’s furry-faced design freelancer, do you have any soup strainer–cultivation advice for the contestants of 826CHI’s Moustache-A-Thon fund-raiser?
“My first tip is to pick a mustache role model. Some might pick Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds or even Teddy Roosevelt. My role model is Daniel Day-Lewis from There Will Be Blood, a film which showcased a lot of fantastic mustaches. Next, you should set a goal, something to strive toward. For a while my mustache was very No Country for Old Men, but I want it to curl down over my mouth, and I want my mouth to disappear Daniel Day-Lewis–style—that’s the objective.
“Once you have a target, you’re on your way and you just have to let the hair grow. Sure, it’s itchy at first, and you will probably be tempted to trim it, but you must resist. It helps to be genetically predisposed to growing a good mustache, as I am. See, the way my facial hair grows, it naturally stops at the lower tips of my ’stache. I can’t grow a goatee. After that, you just have to go with the follicle flow.
“At this point, try to surround yourself with supporters, because your face will certainly have detractors. About a week into it, people will start annoyingly asking, ‘Are you growing a mustache?’ During this [interim] stage, it’s best not to leave the house. Most of my friends hate it. I would say the standings are about 85 percent against, 15 percent for. You just have to expect comments. I’ve kept a running tally on those for and against. If people say, ‘Nice ’stache,’ then they like it. If it’s anything else—‘Whoa!’ or ‘Wow, look at that!’ or ‘That’s interesting…’—they’re not into it.
“One of the nice things about growing a mustache is that people seem to cut you a wide swath. I’ve got a lot more personal space because of it. People are, uh…a little sketched out, but that’s a good thing. I don’t want anyone sitting next to me on the El anyway. One of the other benefits is the second taste of what you’ve just eaten. Stuff definitely sticks in there, which is weird. The weirdest thing, though, is the toothpaste lather: You brush your teeth and you have toothpaste in your ’stache, so you have to wash your mouth after. The best part is that no one IDs you when you have a ’stache. Normally, I get carded. But now they’re like, ‘Whoa, dude’s mature. Dude’s got a ’stache; he can drink beer.’ ”
Make use of Dodson’s woolly wisdom and enlist your upper lip in the Moustache-A-Thon, a fund-raiser for nonprofit writing and tutoring center 826CHI (1331 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-772-8108). Opening ceremonies are 7pm on Wednesday 20. Progress will be measured during ’Stache Tracking Parties Wednesdays at 7pm through March 19 at Pint (1547 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-772-0990).
