Five more minutes with Shirley the Muffin Lady

If you read the interview I did with Shirley "the Muffin Lady" Peña in this week's Get High issue (try that banana chocolate-chip bread I'm telling you!), you'll see that there's a lot more to Shirley than muffins. Shoot, she doesn't even smoke pot—or drink alcohol, even though she hangs out in bars. She used to weigh 420 pounds, work at Riverview Amusement Park, and she loves to fish—in addition to playing bingo and pool (which she'll school your ass in). She even placed third in a national pool tournament in Spain once.

Shirley's very Chicago, she's a mad storyteller, and she's got a lot of stuff written down. Publishers and writers with publishing connections—your ears should be piping. Mine should be burning because I'm giving a good story away.

I remember seeing Shirley on and off after she got out of jail, after Reader cover story about her ordeal came out, and then she kind of dropped off my radar. She was hurting at the time, I could tell—and you'll read here of some of the hardships she had while homeless. Her laugh and her smile are a lot lighter now that she has an apartment, but she'll be going in for surgery next week to have her stomach removed. Say a prayer. And read on for more beyond what you've already heard.

Shirley: How do you like my vest? [It's embroidered, like a rich-colored tapestry]

It's nice! I was gonna say—you always have nice new-looking clothes.
Yeah, but it only cost me three dollars to make. I made it today, it's reversible. All I've been doing is cooking and baking and sewing—that's what I do when I'm nervous.

So you grew up baking...what made you want to go to college to study criminal justice later on in life?
I graduated high school in ’63, then I came to Chicago, got married, had three kids...see, I was fat. And at the time, fat people were seen as kind of stupid and clownish, so that's how I acted. I didn't think that I had the brain to go to college, and my ex-husband put my intelligence down even more. Even after I started college. after our divorce, he made fun of me so bad I didn't think I'd ever succeed. He diminished me totally. He's still an asshole. I did it on my own... My dad was a cop, and I was a goody two shoes, so it just fit me. 

So the cops knew you before they arrested you?
I went to school with them. I graduated in 1993 from Lewis University in Romeoville.

So that was after you'd had your gastric bypass surgery.
I had that surgery 27 years ago, and there have been a lot of complications...after this—I'm so excited—I can finally eat foods I love that I haven't been able to for the last 27 years, like guacamole. I won't be able to eat very much, but I'll be able to eat it without getting sick. I was 420 pounds when I had my first surgery and I lost 200 pounds within the first eight months.

Were you a chubby kid?
Oh yeah. My dad was fat, but my mom was small, she was like 110 pounds. She was also a bad alcoholic—she was murdered in an apartment by Estelle's where she was drinking with another alcoholic, it was in the newspapers. They were robbed, and my mother was found tied up and strangled. The other guy didn't get killed—and I know it's because my mother had a bad mouth, too. She would call a spade a spade—literally! [Laughs] I never went into a bar until I was 34—and I still don't drink. I would never date a guy who drank—ever. I didn't want to be around people who were drinking. When I was working at Riverview...

You worked at Riverview?
Yeah, as a cashier, selling tickets. My best years were before I met my husband, between the ages of 21 and...24? Those were my favorite years because I had friends, I had a job...we partied every night at North Avenue Beach on Sunday nights—payday. Those were good years, I was free, I was young...I'd gotten down to 180 pounds—which was good for me. When we partied on Sunday nights, I was the only one not drinking. The only one. I'm sure they were smoking pot too, but I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know anything about pot until I started making muffins—nothing. And then, only for survival. I mean, I used to be a Bible school teacher...  I've been surviving for the past three years. I lost everything, my kids' baby shoes, pictures of my parents... The only people who would take me in were gangbangers and this 47-year-old hillbilly guy. They would beat on me, and I would ride the trains at night to just get away from them. I may be a piece of shit to some people—but they haven't been where I've been.

Shit. Shoot, can we talk about better times?
Well, I'm just now getting back on my feet, I have an apartment. But my good years were when I was baking bread—I earned my money, I worked my ass off to make bread, and I sold a lot of bread. That's how I went to Europe four years in a row for months at a time, and I had a place to stay. My best friend was stationed in Spain, and my daughter was stationed in Sardinia. And I had such a great time. The last time I was in Spain, 10 years ago, I played in this national pool tournament—I came in third place in all of Spain and Portugal. So, I'm not a bad player. [Laughs]

Ha, yeah I know. So, surgery is next week...
Yeah, I'm worried...I told [a friend] where my autobiography is in my apartment—everything's there except the last nine months.I want to be cremated—with a cue stick in one hand and a fishing pole in the other. Of all the things I love to do most in the world—I love to fish!