In & Out

Q The girls down the hall from me have been talking about pitching in money to get one or two high-end vibrators that we can share. One girl said that her older sister did this in college because it’s better than everyone getting their own cheap ones that break. She said as long as everyone cleans it, it’s safe. That just sounds gross to me. I’d rather be sexually frustrated than share a vibrator. They think I’m a germaphobe. Am I being unreasonable?

A If you refuse to touch doorknobs or faucets because you’re afraid of germs, then maybe you’re a germaphobe. If, on the other hand, your main germ worry is about using a vibrator that’s already made its way in or around other women’s genitals, then you’re just smart. Sharing sex toys with partners or friends does carry risks. Your friends would raise their risk of yeast infections, bacterial infections or even sexually transmissible infections (STI) if they play musical chairs with a vibrator. If they’re determined to share a sex toy, they should at least put a new, clean condom over it before each use, and wash the toy before and after. However, I’d recommend that each girl get her own, less-expensive starter toy (like the silver bullet, which is $10–$15) or ask her mom or older sister for a nicer one as a birthday present. Letting your mom know that the alternative is to share one with your friends might spring her into helpful action. Check out Early to Bed (5232 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-1219), Tulip (3448 N Halsted St, 773-975-1515) or g boutique (2131 N Damen Ave, 773-235-1234) for local, affordable options. Finally, check out my new book Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction (Rodale, $21.99) for a whole chapter on sex toys.

Q What’s the trick to successfully going down on a woman? I tried a few times sophomore year and all I got were neck cramps, with no orgasm for my lady friend. What am I doing wrong?

A In order to perform yummy—and possibly orgasmic—oral sex, the first trick is to find out whether your partner enjoys oral sex (not all women do) and what she likes. If she’s new at it, too, it may take time for her to learn to orgasm. It’s not unusual for women to take into their twenties or thirties to learn to orgasm. Practice is key, as is focusing on relaxation, exploration and pleasure rather than going into it with a did-you-come-yet-it’s-been-20-minutes attitude. Some women enjoy gentle licks or tongue flicks on their clitoris, whereas others enjoy attention to their labia minora (the inner vaginal lips) or a combo of clitoral licks and vaginal penetration. Learn a few new techniques, as well as how to talk to a partner about oral sex, in She Comes First: A Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Collins, $22.99).

Q It seems like everyone is having sex but me, and I feel left out on the weekends when everyone else is hooking up and going home with people. Is college going to be like this forever? What can committed virgins like me do?

A Although it may seem as though everyone else is hooking up or having sex, I can guarantee you that’s not the case. Try to expand your circle of friends to include people who have similar interests—those who want to spend Friday night bowling, walking along the lake, riding bikes or playing late-night Frisbee in the park. Or find friends who want to go to house parties, but, like you, want to go home alone. A great part of college is that there’s room to have lots of friend groups. Get out there, meet people and set your own rules for what happens on the weekends.

Q My boyfriend stuck his penis in my vagina just for a few minutes. He didn’t come. I’ve heard you can get pregnant from pre-cum though. Is that true? Could I be pregnant?

A Although there are no sperm in pre-ejaculate (a.k.a. “pre-cum”), pre-ejaculatory fluids can sweep leftover sperm through the urethra and into a woman’s vagina during sex play if a penis happens to be hanging out inside said vagina. But that’s rare (the sperm-migration part, not the sex-play part). If your boyfriend had recently ejaculated and not yet peed before he put his penis in your vagina, then his pre-ejaculate could have swept sperm into your vagina, resulting in a low risk of pregnancy. If he had peed after his last ejaculation and before he put his penis in your vagina, then you’re closer to low-to-no risk. In the future, if you don’t want to have babies but do want to dabble in sex play, use an effective form of birth control such as the pill, patch, shot or ring. Check out plannedparenthood.com for more information and ask your health-care provider which option is best for you.

Q I’m in my first relationship with another woman and am not sure what kinds of STIs we should be worried about. I suggested that my girlfriend and I get HIV tests, and although she said she would go with me, she also seemed to think lesbians can’t get HIV, which sounded ignorant to me.

A Although it’s uncommon for women to transmit HIV to each other, a small risk does exist. Unprotected vaginal or anal sex between opposite-sex partners has a higher risk potential for HIV and other STI, especially for the woman if her partner ejaculates inside of her. That said, two women can more easily pass other infections to each other (such as chlamydia, herpes and HPV), so it’s wise to take precautions by being monogamous and/or using protection (such as condoms cut in half lengthwise or dental dams) during oral sex. You can further reduce your risk by not sharing sex toys with each other. Also, make sure to keep up with annual gyn exams and testing; if you get into fingering or fisting, you’ll feel more confident if you know that you are both STI-free, particularly as some STIs (such as HIV) are blood-borne, meaning that cuts in one’s fingers can raise transmission risk. Check out lesbianhealthinfo.org more information.

Q I just started having sex, and every time my partner and I have tried, I get an erection just fine but then I start to lose it after I have the condom on. Am I doing something wrong? Does this happen to other guys?

A Condom-related erection problems are common, but in no way, shape or form does it mean that you should ditch condoms. They are the best device on the planet to reduce the risk of HIV and many other STIs. Instead, a few tweaks on your condom-use strategy may help you keep your erections. Try asking your partner to help you put the condom on so you can stay focused on how hot your partner is and how enormously aroused you are. Or you can ask your partner to slather a small amount of lube over the condom once it’s on, which may add extra stimulation and help you to stay aroused. If the condom doesn’t fit well, look online at condomania.com for snugger or looser varieties. In addition, roomy-headed condoms like the Inspiral and Trojan Twisted Pleasure have been designed to allow for more sensitivity at the nerve-rich head of the penis.

Read Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., every week in Time Out Chicago, or find past In&Out columns at timeoutchicago.com/inandout.